


Falling 101

by KatG



Category: Original Work
Genre: Accepting Parents, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Childhood Trauma, College, College freshmen, F/F, Falling In Love, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Forced Abortion, Friends to Lovers, Homophobic Language, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Sexual Assault, Implied/Referenced Suicide, LGBTQ Character, Mental Health Issues, No Smut, Not Beta Read, Scars, Sexual Humor, Shitty Childhood, Slow Burn, at least so far, gay conversion therapy, homophobic parents, like really slow burn, self-harm scars, shitty parenting
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-21
Updated: 2019-07-26
Packaged: 2020-07-10 07:11:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 10
Words: 23,282
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19901821
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KatG/pseuds/KatG
Summary: A dream scholarship pulls Ryan from her home town in Georgia all the way to the twin cities of Minnesota where she attends her freshman year. Her roommate, Mariah, is a bit spoiled and very much her opposite. They become fast friends, and Ryan finds herself scared of revealing too much about her past.Don't be too alarmed by archive warnings, they are references to a shitty childhood and will not be gone into detail at all.I'm not putting too much into editing or anything, this is my 'keep busy' project while I wait to edit my bookMight not get updated regularly at all (wedding/editing my book/etc)





	1. Chapter 1

Deep breath in. Deep breath out. Nothing to panic about. Looking around the undecorated room, Ryan tries to plan everything out. The dorm room feels smaller than it had looked in the virtual tour. Two twin beds, two closets with a little sink and countertop between them, two desks, two chairs, one window, and one door propped open with the garbage bin. Boxes are piled up on the bed by the window in a teetering pile. 

“Aw, you are a girl.” A pouty voice coming from behind her nearly makes Rylan jump out of her skin. She’s tall, blonde, and has her plump pink lips forced down into a frown.

“Um, yeah.” Ryan answers, stuffing her hands into the way too small front pockets of her jeans. “Sorry.”

The pink frown flips into an open smile, “I was teasing.” The girl stretches out her hand, “My name’s Mariah. Honestly I saw that my roommates name was Ryan and part of me was hoping there’d been a mix up and I got a guy.”

A bit of relief washes over her, not quite enough to flush the red out of her cheeks entirely. “You wouldn’t be the first to make that mistake.” She forces her face into a smile, doing her best to forego the nerves building inside her. “I, uh, put my stuff on the bed over here. I didn’t put anything away yet, I wasn’t sure which bed you’d want.”

“No worries, I like to be by the door. Easier to eavesdrop.” Mariah winks over at her, giggling a little. “Need any help bringing stuff in? My brother is bringing my stuff up from his car.”

“No, I’ve already brought it all up.” A little frown pulls over Mariah’s face as she looks over Ryan’s shoulder to the stack of boxes like she isn’t very impressed.

“Minimalist.” The smile overtakes her again, “Well, don’t judge me for being a little materialistic.”

Ryan lets out a breath she hadn’t realized she was holding. The last thing she needs right now is a judgy roommate. Mariah seems nice, so far anyway. Shuffling sounds come from the hallway, and Mariah walks a little further inside the room, tossing her bookbag and purse onto the desk at the foot of her bed. Through the door walks in the male version of he. Tall, shaggy blonde hair, and lugging a couple different bright pink suitcases.

“Ryan, this is my brother Matthew. Matthew, meet my new best friend Ryan.” Best friend? The words ring in her ears and tug a smile onto her face.

“What the fuck is in these?” He asks, shoving the handles down.

“Books, Matt. They’re called books.” She unzips the first case to make her point, revealing that it’s half books and half hair tools. “Now be a doll, dearest twin, and get the rest of my things so we can make this room pretty.”

“Yeah yeah. Remind me to never drink again.” He tosses his middle finger up his sister as he leaves the way he came.

“He came home drunk last night and daddy was pissed.” Mariah explains, unpacking the books. “Punishment was moving me in to my dorm.”

“Lucky you.” Ryan says, moving to start unpacking her own boxes now that she knows for sure what side of the room is hers.

“Do you have any siblings?” Mariah asks.

“No.” It takes all she’s got not to sigh audibly, “It’s just me and my mom.”

“I’ve got Matt,” the blonde begins to explain her own family dynamic, “he’s my slightly older twin pain in the ass.   
I’ve also got Missy, the pre-teen drama queen. My parents are split, but both are pretty okay I guess.”

“So what's your major?” Ryan’s only half focused on hanging up her clothes, more interested in having a roommate nice enough to actually make friends with.

“Undecided.” Mariah goes quiet a minute, grouping up her books in a way that makes sense to her and only her,   
“I wanted to take a gap year, you know, figure out what I really want out of life. But dear old daddy insisted I go this year. Matt’s here to play football so I just tagged along I guess.”

There’s an almost uncomfortable silence filling the little room when Matt drops off more things. This time, judging by the amount he’s carrying, it’s got to be bedding. “You are damned lucky you’re on the first floor. Elevator’s got a line longer than the bathroom at a tex-mex fast food joint.”

“Well now I’m torn.” She pouts again, “I requested first floor, but damn I’d like to make you walk up three flights of stairs with all my clothes.”

“Bitch.” He huffs, making a point to throw a fluffy purple pillow at the blonde’s head before ducking out to avoid retaliation.

“Is it just me, or is this layout awful?” Looking around, yeah, Ryan would agree that it’s dysfunctional at best. Before she can really wrap her head around it, Mariah is pulling her desk into the middle of the room. As soon as it’s out of the way she moves on to pushing her bed around so it rests along the hallway wall ending just before the doorway where the desk had been.

She tilts her head in thought, letting her smooth blonde locks cascade around one shoulder. The beds are parallel now, Ryan enjoys the symmetry of it. She’s walking to her own desk without saying a word, pulling it from the wall and between the beds, the back of it facing her roommate’s bed.

“I love that!” Mariah practically jumps in excitement, pushing her desk so the two are back to back. “Now we can study together!”

Ryan is smiling too much to respond, the enthusiasm from her roommate is more than she expected. It’s contagious. Trying to not be too much, she goes back to unpacking her things out of the old grocery store boxes. There aren’t a lot of clothes to unpack, leaving the closet looking rather bare still, but it’s what she’s used to.

Mariah puts on music through her phone and a flower shaped bluetooth speaker. Music that could only be described as funky comes pouring out and the blonde giggles as she dances around putting everything in its place.

The last thing left for Ryan to unpack is the small black duffel bag at the head of the bed. His last trip up, Mariah had sent the empty boxes down with him and the room was starting to look less chaotic than before. She must have gone quiet digging through the contents of the bag, all of her most important things were kept here. Pictures, a favorite outfit, and a worn out hoodie three sizes too big.

“Hey! Earth to Ryan. Anyone home?” It takes Mariah waving a manicured hand in front of her face to break her out of the memories associated with the bag. “I was thinking of ordering a pizza, what kind do you want?”

“No, I’m fine. I don’t have any cash with me anyway.” She turns back towards the bag hoping Mariah doesn’t press.

“My treat roomie.” Mariah pulls out her cell phone, the latest and greatest with a blinged out case to top it off. “Chicken bacon ranch okay?”

“Uh, yeah.” Ryan shakes her head to snap her out of her own little fog, “That sounds great.”

“Okay that’s the last of your crap.” Matt’s voice echoes through the quiet room, Mariah pulls a finger to her lips and winks.

“Thanks for help, Matty.” She tosses her brother an innocent smile taking the small red leather bag from him before he can toss it in the pile with the rest of her bags. “Catch you around campus.” She says giving him a slight push towards the door, turning her back on him to tuck the red bag under her bed.

“Hope not, loser.” He retorts as he makes his leave.

As soon as he’s out of ear shot she’s got a pizza place on the line and is digging through her purse for her wallet. Flipping it open, Ryan catches a glimpse of the various cards and feels a tinge of jealousy as she grabs one at random and reads off the numbers into the phone.

“Pizza will be here in twenty.” Mariah calls out, throwing the purse and backpack down to the floor to make her bed.

“Thank you.” And she means it. Ryan can’t remember the last time that she’d had pizza that wasn’t from the frozen aisle. Unpacking the duffel takes just a couple minutes. The framed pictures get set out on the desk, the white binder gets tucked into the top middle drawer. Clothes get set into the closet still folded for her first day of classes. The sweater is set next to her pillow.

Looking around at her side, it looks the same as any other room she’d had. Minimal belongings all exactly where they go. The other side of the room is another story. The bed is made, and suitcases shoved onto it just to get them off the floor. Mariah has moved on to pulling out clothes out, smartly still on hangers and throwing them into the closet.

“Need some help?” Ryan offers.

“Oh my god, please.” The blonde laughs, throwing up a handful of pajama shorts into the air like snow to make a point. It’s a silly gesture and it makes Ryan laugh. The two work together, Mariah sitting on the floor pulling things out of the bags, and Ryan standing at the closet hanging things up. Moving on they worked on filling the drawers and filling the bottom of the closet with shoes for every occasion.

“Hey, I never asked you what you’re majoring in, maybe we’ll have some classes together.” The genuine smile on her face shows that she isn’t just saying it to be nice.

“Nursing.” Ryan answers minimally.

“Never tell Matt! He’ll call you with every scrape and bruise. He’s such a crybaby and will take full advantage!”

“Got it.” She nods, hoping she won’t press on about it.

“Okay, so I know this is our room, and I wasn’t sure you’d like it or not.” Unzipping the last bag, Mariah pulls out a few boxes of fairy lights, “I was thinking we could hang these from the ceiling.” Ryan can’t help how her eyebrows furrow together, and it makes Mariah’s face drop. “You hate it don’t you?”

“No!” She sits down next to Mariah to study the box, “I just don’t know how to hang them. I’ve never done it.”

“Well, yeah it is different than wrapping it around a tree. I’ve got little clips that stick to the ceiling.”

“I’ve a-” Ryan wants to stop, but she’s already talking and now she’s excited about getting to string up lights and stopping herself from talking is out of the question, “I’ve never wrapped them around a tree either.”

“You’re joking?” Mariah’s face drops, her mouth hanging open like a fish’s. In an instant the expression changes to a more apologetic one and her face is as pink as her lipstick. “Oh my God, I’m sorry. I’m an idiot. You’re Jewish or something aren’t you? Sometimes I forget not everyone celebrates the same”

Ryan wishes she would just go with it. She’s got enough stereotypical Jewish features to play along without question, not that she knows anything about the culture. “No, I just-” She swallows, “My mom and I never had a tree to decorate.”

“Well then, let me show you how easy these are to hang. I had Matt help me set some up in my room back home last summer so I’m pretty sure we can get it done in no time at-” A ring from her phone interrupts Mariah who answers promptly. “Be right there.” She says quickly hanging up. “Pizza is here, lights can wait.”


	2. Chapter 2

By the time the lights are hung, the pizza is gone and both girls are laying on the floor, heads next to each other with the window blinds down and the door closed to block out as much light as possible. In the soft light it all seems calm and good.

“Who was the genius to put ranch on pizza?” Ryan asks.

“It’s a midwest thing.” Mariah answers slowly. Much more rushed as a thought comes to mind, she rolls to lay on her side, propping her head up with a hand. “If you’ve never had ranch on pizza, you’re not from around here.”

“Nope.” She answers, looking up to meet the dark blue eyes above her.

“So where are you from and what brings you to Minneapolis?” Her face is nothing but inquiring, and Ryan can’t see any harm in divulging a bit about herself. They are roommates after all.

“I’m from Georgia. I came here on a scholarship.”

“Must have been a hell of a scholarship, peach.”

“Please don’t call me that.” Making her voice sound annoyed rather than hurt, she crinkles up her nose for added effect.

“Oh don’t tell me you don’t like peaches! I’d argue with you about it, but you liked the pizza so you can’t be all bad.” Her smile hasn’t gone away, but she lays her head back down next to Ryan’s being careful not to lay on any of the short brown hair splayed out around her. “So what’d you do to earn the scholarship? I didn’t really peg you for sports.”

“Is that why your brother came here? Sports scholarship?” Ryan deflects, hoping her roommate won’t notice.

“Daddy pays for us to go here, we don’t need scholarships.” Her tone isn’t hurtful, but it stings a bit anyway, “We are Minnesota born and bred.”

“Alright, so not sports than.” Mariah hums in thought, “Academic scholarships are usually fairly local, unless they’re specifically applied for so I doubt that’s it.”

“You’ll never guess it.” It’s said teasingly, but Ryan means it.

“Well you can’t just say that and not tell me!” A giggle comes out of her, as she sits up just enough to get a drink of her pop. “Can you at least tell me the parameters. How much, requirements to keep it, anything?”

“Full ride no strings attached.”

“No such thing.” She says with such confidence. “There’s always a catch. Grades, attendance, club membership.”

“It’s the Moby Dick of scholarships.”

“Alright Captain, settle down now.” Once again, Mariah turns over propping her head on a hand with her elbow digging in to the rough carpet. “I’ll never get to know will I?”

“Probably not.” It comes out lighter than she wanted, less teasing and more real. But if Mariah notices, she doesn’t say anything about it.

“You know what’s the worst part of living in a dorm already?”

“Living on the second floor and having to hear disco-tech while unpacking.”

“You’re no better than my brother I swear.” Mariah shakes her head a little in amusement, “The worst part of being in a dorm, is that I have to go all the way down the hall just to pee.”

“You could always go in the sink.” She jokes, side-eying the little sink nestled between the closets on top of the built-in dresser.

“Alright now you’re worse than my brother.” Mariah gets up now, grabbing the pajamas she’d laid out earlier on her way out the door. “I’ll be right back, don’t pee in the sink while I’m gone.”

“No promises.” Ryan yells back, a smile evident in her tone.

Picking herself off the floor was almost a challenge, her body having had adapted to the hard floor over the last hour of talking. She takes advantage of being alone to strip down and change into her own pajamas, a long sleeve t-shirt and sweatpants. In the dim light cascading off the fairy lights, she sits on her bed, back to the cool glass of the window, and reads through her admission folder to look over everything she’ll need to do tomorrow.

Mariah comes back in now wearing short-shorts and a tank top, dropping her dirty clothes into the hamper at the bottom of her closet. She stops a moment at her desk, grabbing a book from the middle of a stack before climbing into bed with Ryan, using Ryan’s lap as a pillow.

“If I bother you just tell me,” She adds, opening her book letting the bookmark fall onto her stomach.

“It’s fine.” Ryan says before going back to her own reading.

Hours tick by with the two of them reading like that. The silence is interrupted by a load groan and the smacking sound of the paperback cover hitting Mariah’s bare legs.

“Character troubles?” Ryan’s eyebrow quirks up, she knows the struggle well, having a habit of getting way too invested in the stories she reads.

“Why can’t they just do the not stupid thing?” She groans again, “It’s like they like the drama of miscommunication and angst.”

“If they didn’t what point would there be to reading the story at all?” Mariah looks up at Ryan for the first time since getting back into the room.

“You realize it’s August right? It was eighty plus all day and we there’s no a/c in this dorm, how on earth on you wearing long sleeves?” She must really be bewildered by it to stop groaning about her book, but for Mariah this was a standard set of pjs.

“Georgia remember. Eighty is cool.”

“Just wait until it’s forty below.” Mariah sasses with a smile on her face, “Won’t sound so cocky then, will you.”

“I’m just as good in the cold.” Ryan isn’t lying either. She’s spent plenty of time in summer and winter to be able to handle it all pretty well.

“We all say that, but we’ll bitch all winter about it anyway.”

“I mean, I’ve never driven in the snow so that might be the end of me.”

“Hell I’d be more worried about driving the cities in general.”

“Did just fine on the interstate up here.”

“You drove all the way from Georgia?” Mariah sits up now, criss-cross and facing her new friend. “Are you crazy?”

“How else would I get here?” Ryan doesn’t know if she should be feeling offended, but she can’t help that she does. “It only took a couple days.”

“You drove for two days and I bitched about getting stuck in traffic for a half hour.” Mariah’s face softens, “Ry, you might just teach me some perspective this year.”

It wasn’t a question, and Ryan doesn’t really know how to respond so she just stays quiet, hoping that Mariah will keep the conversation going a little longer. Eventually she does, “So you have a car then?”

“More lemon than car, but yeah.”

“My parents wouldn’t buy me one.” She pouts, sticking out her bottom lip in a way that makes Ryan know how different the two of them are. “To be fair though, taking a taxi or the bus is usually faster.”

“I bought it myself, actually.”

“That’s amazing! What’s its name?”

“Name?”

“Yes, name. Like what do you call it?”

“A piece of shit mostly.”

“Tomorrow morning you are going to take me to see your car and we are going to name it.” It wasn’t a question, Ryan knows that this is something they will definitely be doing in the morning. Mariah settles back in to laying how she was before, head settled onto Ryan’s lap. This time she ignores the book that fell to the floor when she was shifting around earlier.

“How’d you afford it anyway?” Mariah muses, staring up at the lights again. “Not to say that you seem poor or anything. Just that most college freshmen that have cars attribute it to their parents success and not their own.”

“I stole it.”

“No way.” Mariah’s face lights up in surprise, the hands that had been resting on her stomach shoots up to cover her mouth.

“Kidding, jeez.” Ryan laughs, feeling less tense than she had moments ago. “Like I said, it’s a lemon. I got it at the junkyard as soon as I got my learners permit and worked to fix it up for myself.”

“So you’re a mechanic and a nurse?”

“I’m not a nurse.”

“You will be.” Mariah smiles and Ryan is beginning to really like that smile. Something tells her that maybe, just maybe, they’ll end being pretty good friends. “So I take it you had a job then. What was it?”

“I worked in a nursing home.” Please don’t ask why. “Started at 15 in the kitchen, got my CNA license at 16 and started working weekends on the floor.”

“Hence going to nursing school.” Mariah looks up at Ryan likes she’s put the pieces together. She hasn’t, but Ryan won’t tell her that.

“Exactly.”

“If you haven’t peed in the sink, I think it’s time I brush my teeth for bed.”

“One joke and it’s all I’m going to hear from you for the rest of the year, isn't it?” Mariah’s smile says yes.


	3. Chapter 3

“Wakey wakey.” The sing-songy voice comes from just inches away, and Ryan turns around to avoid it. Nothing she can remember is as comfortable as the twin sized bed and she has no intention of leaving it just yet. The voice retreats for a moment, and then Ryan feels her bed dip in on either side of her head and waist. “Come on, Ry. I even made you coffee. Wake up.”

“Fuck off I’m sleeping.” She mumbles out.

“I will tickle you if you don’t get out of bed right this instant.” Mariah’s voice has a hint of threat behind it, and Ryan sighs heavily.

“Fine,” She concedes, feeling Mariah get off from on top of her, “but for the record I don’t drink coffee. It’s bitter and gross.”

“Not much of a morning person, huh?” Mariah comments after taking a long drink from her own mug of steaming coffee.

“Why am I awake right now?” Ryan just barely sits up hoping that she’ll just be able to fall back down and into unconsciousness.

“First full day on campus, lots of things to do.” Okay, so definitely not going to be allowed to sleep in. Sitting up fully, she takes Mariah in. She’s already dressed, shoes and all. Sitting on her desk are the two cups of steaming coffee and a plate of-

“French toast?” Ryan questions, possibly a little too eagerly.

“Ah, should have started with that, huh?” Mariah laughs, “Someone was making them when I went to the kitchen for coffee so I brought some back for you.”

“Thank you.” Honestly she couldn’t remember the last time someone had gone out of their way to do something so nice. She’s up and eating, throwing aside her desire to prolong her sleep.

“The official freshmen welcome isn’t until nine so we have a couple hours to kill.” Mariah sits in her own office chair, facing Ryan. “I was wondering if you’d be up for a little walk around campus. Nothing too far or anything, I just want to get a better idea to plan out my morning run.”

“You run?” It comes out as a groan.”

“Just about every morning.” She drinks down another sip of the coffee that smells like a donut, “I’m pretty quiet in the morning when I get ready, so don’t worry about me waking you. You sleep like you’re dead anyway.”

“Only on the inside.” The joke comes out almost too naturally and Ryan kicks herself inside for saying it.

“Matt’s not a morning person either.” The blonde nods. “Though thankfully I don’t think you’re mean enough to throw anything but dirty glances at me.” Ryan finds herself smiling into her breakfast. It’s been awhile since she’s had a morning that she wouldn’t describe as hellish.

“So about that walk?” Mariah asks hopefully.

“A walk is fine but if you start running you’re on your own.”

“Got it.” The beaming smile doesn’t fade as she drinks down the last of her coffee. Mariah takes the plate back to the kitchen while Ryan heads to the communal bathroom to get ready for the day. The two meet at the front door of their dormitory to head out for the day.

“So first things first,” Mariah looks almost too excited to be going on a walk this early in the morning, her high ponytail swaying with every step, “show me the lemon!”

“It’s in the north parking lot.” She gestures to the left and Mariah starts walking without missing a beat. She only slows down when they hit the lot, letting Ryan take the lead. True to her words, the car is a lemon. The paint is different on the hood and most of the doors than it is on the rusted body, it looks one speed bump away from falling to pieces.

“Go ahead and laugh, you know you want to.” Ryan huffs out, not feeling very cheerful as her roommate walks around the car, running a hand along it the entire way humming in thought.

“It’s very unique.” She pulls her face into a smile as she rounds the other side of the car. “What was the name of the salvage yard you got it from?”

“Dave’s Auto Dump.”

“Davis. You should call her Davis.” Mariah comes around the hood back to the driver’s side where Ryan is still standing with her arms crossed. “I think it’s the coolest car on campus.”

Ryan doesn’t even try to stop herself from scoffing. “I’m literally parked next to a brand new convertible.”

“Yeah and it looks like every other black convertible out there. There is no other car that looks like Davis.”

“You have a funny way of looking at things.”

“It’s called optimism.” The blue eyes roll at Ryan far more dramatically than necessary.

“Alright, you’ve named my shitty car, what now?”

“Map my run.” The smile is undeniable, clearly she was excited about this and it makes Ryan a little excited too.

“I was really hoping you’d forgotten about that.”

“Freshman fifteen is a real and ever present danger my dear roomie.”

******

It’s already starting to get hot out by the time they have Mariah’s running route figured out and are listening to the college president wrap up his welcome speech. Lots of talk of inclusion and enough talk about the dangers of alcohol and drugs that Ryan gets flashbacks to the DARE instructor that came in once a year in middle school.

“So are we scoping out the walk of shame or what?”

“The what?”

“All the clubs and groups lined up from here to the cafeteria.” Mariah explains, “I heard the people a row behind us calling it the walk of shame. I think they just have no concept of fun.”

“I don’t know, I might agree with them.”

“You’re not joining any clubs?”

“I won’t have time, I have interviews all day Friday then hopefully a full time job.”

“Full time?” The perfectly shaped eyebrows furrow up at the thought, “You’re a full time student.”

“I’ll have to be both.”

“Why? You said you have a scholarship that covers everything.” Walking down towards the booths of over-eager students trying to find freshmen recruits, Mariah wraps an arm around Ryan’s shoulders. “Why work yourself to death if you don’t have to?”

“It’s not just college expenses. I have other obligations too.” You just met me, what makes you think you know anything about what I need money for? 

“Sorry, I guess I didn’t think of that.” Mariah closes her eyes for a moment, “Guess growing up with money just makes me ignorant.”

“Growing up poor doesn’t make you a good person.” Ryan counters.

“True.” She smiles and nudges her elbow against Ryan’s arm. “Hey, I’m going to go check out a booth. You don’t have to pretend to be interested, I just want to grab the information for it.”

“Okay, yeah, go for it.” Ryan follows behind as Mariah goes to a rainbow glad booth, smiling and saying hi as she snags a little pamphlet off of the table. 

“If they had a club for hating mornings, you’d be the president.” She jokes when she rejoins Ryan’s side.

“How many clubs are you planning to join?” She asks, fully expecting the big ball of energy will be rushing from event to club to class all semester.

“I told myself I would try three. One for fun, one for education, and one to do something new.” The blonde pauses, looking at another booth before shaking her head and continuing on.

“Sounds chaotic.”

“Chaos is a friend of mine.”

By the time they get to the cafeteria Mariah has half a dozen pamphlets she’s half interested in. Ryan wasn’t convinced that any of them would be worth missing shifts over. The line in the dining center is long, but the fajitas end up being worth the wait.

“Help me narrow it down.” Mariah whines, staring down at the six pamphlets laid out on the table between the two of them.

“Just pick the one you’re most excited about first.” Ryan says between bites of soft serve ice cream.

“This one for sure. It’s my ‘for fun’ one.” The rainbow one is set to the side.

“Queers United?”

“Yeah, it’s the campus LGBTQ+ group.”

“And you’re?”

“Oh shit.” Mariah looks as if she’d been hit by a bus. “I’m sorry, I should have told you last night when we were talking. I sometimes forget that not everyone is queer muchless okay with queers.”

“I’m okay with queers.”

“Thank God.”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you panic.” Ryan looks down, stirring absentmindedly at the almost empty bowl.

“I’m pan by the way.” Looking up she can see the pink flushing into the pale cheeks. “In case you were wondering.”

Ryan smiles, “Lesbian. In case you were wondering.”

“You should join too!” The pinkened cheeks instantly disappear, replaced by excitement. “It only meets once night a month for a fun activity, you owe it to yourself to have one afternoon of socializing.”

“Maybe.” Normally she isn’t so easily swayed, but the prospect of being around people who aren’t as judgy as she’s used to is tempting.

“Okay so one down, two to go.” Mariah huffs, flipping through the rest of them with a renewed vigor. In the end she settles on only one additional club using the equestrian club for both learning something new and being educational, though Ryan can’t really see what’s educational about horses.

“Think we can swing by the bookstore before we head back to the dorm?” Ryan asks while they dump their trays, “I already ordered my books, I just have to pick them up.”

“It’s like you read my mind.” That pink smile is so infectious, and Ryan finds herself smiling too.

The bookstore is small, no bigger than a hospital gift shop. It’s got marked up school supplies, books for every major imaginable, and all sorts of Cheetah apparel.

“We should get matching shirts for when we go to Matty’s games!” Mariah squeals, holding up a pink cheetah print tank top. “Come on, my treat!” The blue eyes bat and the bottom lip puckers out.

“What makes you think I even like football?” Ryan rolls her eyes as she draws the only card out of her wallet to pay for the stack of books waiting for her..

“You don’t have to like football to watch it.” It’s Mariah’s turn to roll her eyes, “You just have to like getting out and being with people.”

“And what makes you think I like people?”

“Because you got stuck with me as a roommate and I will drag you out to at least one game and we will be wearing matching shirts. So get your perky little butt over here and help pick something out or I get us the gaudiest one.”

“You’ll be the death of me, I swear.” But nonetheless she tows the heavy bag of textbooks over to the clothing rack Mariah is skimming through. Most of them are similar to the tank top she held up, colored cheetah print with the college logo on the back. Ryan holds up a plain grey long sleeve tee.

“Come on,” Mariah whines, “can’t it at least be printed? Oh! How about this one?” To counter, she pulls out a light pink and grey cheetah print long sleeve from a rack.

Ryan smiles as Mariah holds it up to herself, the sleeves go a little past the wrist with a cut out for the thumb. It’s a little feature that Ryan loves in shirts and she nods her agreeance. 

“Yay! I’ll grab these and then we can head back.” She grabs a second matching shirt from the rack she got the first one from and almost as an afterthought, she grabs the hot pink tank top too.

Back in their room, Ryan sets the heavy bag down with a thump before digging out the plaid purple backpack she’s had since freshman year of high school. Mariah busies herself taking the tags off the shirts before digging out her own backpack to get ready for the first day of classes. It’s only mid afternoon so there is plenty of day left, just not much left that needs to be done.

“Where did you apply to?” Mariah asks, thumbing through her stack of books. “For a job I mean.”

“Pretty much every nursing home and assisted living in the area. I’d prefer a nursing home though, they pay a lot more.” She stuffs the last few things in the bag, zipping it up triumphantly.

“I don’t mean to be all up in your business, I know we just met, I’m just curious.” Ryan looks up to meet Mariah’s bright eyes. “How can you possibly work full time while going to college? Nursing isn’t exactly an easy major, maybe it will be for you I don’t know, I just worry a lot.”

Just like I did in high school, she thinks, but says, “Night shift is usually ten-thirty to six so there’s no conflict.”   
“And when do you plan to sleep if you’re working all night?” Cozied up in the bed, Mariah pulls the comforter around her like a cape.

“After class.” Ryan sighs, this is nothing new to her. She had teachers in high school ask her all the time about how little sleep she seemed to get.

“Again, not to be nosy,” she sighs keeping her eyes on her own lap, “Are you in trouble or something? Working full time you’ve got to be making at least a thousand a month and you said it was just you and your mom. If you’re in trouble maybe I can help. My mom is a pretty good lawyer and my dad’s the police chief if that’s what you need.”

“It’s nice of you to offer, Mariah.” Now Ryan can’t even look at her roommate, instead fiddling with a picture frame. “I’m not in any trouble, I just-I just need to be able to send money back. For my mom.”

“Is she in trouble.”

“No,” Annoyance rings in her voice as it raises a little. “We’re fine, it’s just complicated.”

“I’m sorry.” The voice is softer than Ryan could have imagined it could get. When she looks up Mariah has her arms folded across her knees and her head rests in them. “I’ve got a cousin in rehab. We used to be best friends, did everything together. She was supposed to be my roommate this year, but she got herself into trouble with her dealer and-”

“You don’t have to tell me any of that.”

“I know I don’t, I just don’t want you thinking I’m a nosy bitch or something. I just don’t want to see you go down that path.” She hesitates a moment. “I know we just met, Ry. You just seem so nice and-” The voice stops as quiet sobs take over. Ryan doesn’t think, just gets up and wraps her arms around her through the comforter.

“My mom is in the locked unit of a nursing home.” The blonde head pulls up from the folded arms, the once pale face is blotchy red.

“Ry, I’m so sorry.” It’s not pity on her face like it usually is when people find out. Sadness, maybe a bit of relief, Ryan isn’t really sure what it is. Mariah pulls herself away Ryan, lifting one arm up inviting Ryan into the blanket with her. She goes without hesitation, leaning her head against a shoulder and letting Mariah wrap her in her arms.

“When I was little I had the perfect family. Just me and my mom and dad.” She starts, her voice getting shakier with every word as tears begin. “When I was ten they caught me kissing the girl next door and they started to fight a lot, both of them started drinking. My dad thought he could fix me.” Her voice catches, the lump in her throat almost impossible to get past. “Mom didn’t like that he hurt me, but she didn’t like that I was gay either so she didn’t do anything about it. She started to drink even more and one night after some things happened they got into a really bad fight. There was a fire that mom and I barely made it out of, nothing was left of the house or my dad.”

“It’s okay, it’s okay.” Mariah says when Ryan bursts out a sob.

“She just kept drinking until she fucked herself up too much and she fucked me up too. She couldn’t remember much and when she did she reacted badly so they put her the secure unit so she wouldn’t hurt herself.”

“Shhh.” Mariah’s hand runs through the short brown hair of her roommate. “It’s okay, Ry. I’ve got you.”


	4. Chapter 4

Ryan blinks her eyes open, the fairy lights are on, the main light off. Her head is resting on Mariah’s lap, the blanket wrapped around the two of them. A Disney movie soundtrack plays quietly from the closer desk’s bluetooth speaker. It’s oddly comfortable laying like this, it would be so easy to just close her eyes and fall back asleep.

“Hey sleeping beauty.” Mariah’s quiet voice comes from above her head. Please please don’t mention me crying my eyes out. “You missed it. I overheard the RA busting the neighbors across the hall with pot.” She goes on telling the story in as much detail as she can, not once mentioning the emotional turn the afternoon had taken for them. Eventually Ryan sits up, leaning against the wall instead of her friend.

“What time is it anyway?” Mariah tilts her phone screen so Ryan can see. Only a little past seven, she must have only dozed off for a little while. She feels rested enough to know she isn’t going back to sleep anytime soon, she’d never needed more than a few hours of on and off sleep a night.

“Hey, so I’ve had to pee since like five minutes after you fell asleep.” Mariah laughs out, “Should probably take a quick shower while I’m at it.”

“Sorry, I really didn’t mean to sleep.”

“Naps are wonderful, never apologize for them.” She tosses back, reaching up to her closet shelf to grab a towel and her shower caddy. 

Without Mariah in the room, it feels weird to be curled up on her bed. Begrudgingly, she unwraps the covers from herself and goes to the little sink to brush her teeth. It was a short nap, but her mouth tastes awful from it. While the room is still empty, she changes out of her jeans and into well worn red plaid pajama pants. She leaves the shirt, but takes off her bra sliding it out through the sleeves and tosses it back into the top drawer of her side of the built-in dresser. She’ll grab a shower later on, right now she just wants to make sure she’s dealt with everything she needs to.

When Mariah comes back in, she’s got her towel wrapped around her chest with her hair dripping down. “Hope you don’t mind me changing in here. I’ve never shared a room before, you seriously just gotta let me know if I   
cross any lines or make you feel weirded out.”

“It’s fine.” And really it is. She’s too busy thumbing through the white binder of pictures to care what’s going on in front of her, besides she’s used to changing in the locker rooms at work between jobs.  
“Okay, cool. I just don’t want to be that super annoying roommate that you’ll go to work and bitch to your coworkers about.”

“Are you really worried about that? You let me cry myself to sleep on you today.” Ryan looks up from her pictures, hand pauses halfway through turning a page. Mariah is wearing shorts and a tank top working the towel into a twist at the top of her head.

“Yeah maybe I am a cool roommate.” She smiles not at all modestly. Her eyes fall down to the open binder, 

“Ohhh what’cha got there?”

“Just pictures.” Satisfied with her towel hat, she moves over to Ryan’s side dragging her desk chair with her so she can sit at the edge of the desk.

“Can I see? Or is that too nosy?”

“You can see.” She says hesitantly sliding the binder closer to the end of the desk towards Mariah. Flipping through page after page resurges all kinds of memories for her, but she’s sure that Mariah wouldn’t be able to put any of them together based off of the pictures. Most of them were given to her by friends during her time at the FFRHF. Some of them were of her, and a couple of them had her mom in them. Any with her dad had been lost in the fire or ripped to shreds almost a decade ago.

“Are these all friends of yours? They all look so happy.” She comments, eyes glued to each and every picture as she thumbs through the pages.

“Yeah, I don’t keep in touch with most of them anymore though.” Because that’s not good for recovery, clinging to that part of your past.

“Is this one your mom?” The last picture in the book is a full page. Her and her mom last Christmas at the nursing home’s Secret Santa gift exchange. Her mom hadn’t even recognized her that whole day, had treated her like she does every other aide there.

“Yeah. Her name is Maggie.”

“Did you start working at the home to spend more time with her?”

“Kind of, yeah.” How can I put this without sounding pathetic? “More like I was there all the time and one of the activity ladies told me the kitchen was looking for after school help. I was only fifteen so I couldn’t work too late but it was better than nothing.”

“Then you said you started on the floor?”

“Yup. As soon as I hit sixteen I got licensed as a nursing aide. More hours, better pay.”

“The only job I’ve had was helping my mom with filing over the summer.” Mariah is still looking at the big picture in front of her, hand resting on the plastic page protector. “I wanted to get a real job, figure out what I want to do you know. Mom said she wanted to spend more time with me and that was the end of that.”

“Why not get a job now then?”

“Because not everyone can go to school and work full time.”

“You don’t have to do full time, just every other weekend or a couple shifts after class.”

“Maybe.” Mariah looks like she really is contemplating it. “I did only end up with two clubs.”

“Where would you apply?” Ryan actually really wants to know, Mariah seems so unsure of what her future holds but there has to be something that really interests her.

“I have no idea, probably a coffee shop or something I guess.” She huffs out a breath, blowing away the hair that fell into her face while studying the pictures. When she looks up, her eyes catch on the framed pictures on the top of the desk. “Who’s that?”

One picture is of Ryan and her very best friend, the other of just him. “Tyler, but I really don’t have it in me to talk about him right now.” Mariah opens her mouth like she wants to anyway, but decides against it and shuts it. The picture where they’re together is Ryan’s favorite picture of herself. She remembers the moment well, exactly six months after the two of them had met. She’d been smiling so much her face hurt, and Tyler was standing behind her wrapping his arms around her in a tight hug. His mouth hung open wide in the middle of laughing at some stupid joke. That was the last time she got to make him laugh like that.

“What’s your schedule like this semester class wise?” The question breaks Ryan out of her memory, into the awareness that she was frowning at the picture.

“Intro to public speaking, some kind of computer class, basic freshman classes for the most part. Most of the nursing classes will start up next semester, the only one I have this semester is chem.”

“Not so different than my schedule.” Mariah smiles, reaching forward and clawing for the weekly planner on her desk. She opens it to the first page where her basic first semester weekly schedule is colored in with highlighters. Most of them were the same as Ryan’s, they must have a pretty basic schedule they stick freshman with to get all the pre-reqs in. 

“I’m going to be so sick of you by the end of the semester.” Ryan jokes, nudging her shoulder into Mariah’s.

“No, you’ll be too busy working to see me.” She fakes a pout, sticking her lip out.

“This’ll be the most free time I’ve had in at least three years..” Ryan shrugs.

“You’re joking right?”

“No.”

“Indulge me then. What did you do all summer?”

“I worked.” Ryan’s eyebrows shoot up at the way Mariah doesn’t believe it. “I had seventh jobs over the summer. Two nursing homes full time working full time, one am the other pm shift. Third and fourth were also nursing homes that I would work at on my days off from the other first two. Fifth, sixth, and seventh were sleeping overnight shifts at different assisted living places. I literally went from one job to the next the entire summer.”

It takes a moment for it all to sink in for Mariah, her face seems to take a while to adjust to the idea of working three months straight with no days off. Eventually it seems to make some kind of sense to her, “Is that you’re plan for here too then? Just work yourself until you collapse?”

“No, I only plan to get one job here. The scholarship covers books, meal plan, tuition, dorm, and whatever else I need for classes. I’ve only got to make enough to pay for my mom’s care.”

“And how much is that?”

“Only fifteen hundred a month.” Mariah’s job drops, but it’s a figure that Ryan is used to it. It’s been like that since she was almost seventeen when her mom had apparently drained the entirety of their savings accounts-including Ryan’s college fund left to her from her grandma.

“Only? You’re what eighteen-ish? How the hell do they expect you to pay that? Isn’t there state care or something?”

“She’s been there.” Ryan is growing upset, this is none of Mariah’s business anyway, “They treated her like shit, so as soon as I was able to I had her moved to a private facility in Atlanta. They were nice enough to work off a deal with me, I’d pay fifteen hundred a month during the school year and around eight grand a month during the summer when I could work non-stop. Is that it or are you going to ask me more shitty questions?”  
Mariah looks as if she’d been punched in the face the way she recoils. “Ry, I-”

“Don’t. Please. I really don’t want to justify this shit. I’ve heard it for years, but she raised me and it’s only fair she gets the best treatment available.”

“I’ll pay for it.”

“You can’t just throw money at problems, Mariah. I can handle it.”

“I know you can, I just want to help.” The voice comes out soft, like a wounded animal.

“You can help by not talking about it. It’s not going to change anything. Not until I graduate, become an RN and can bring in enough to give her everything she deserves.”

“I’m gonna go to bed, talk to you tomorrow okay.” She gets up, dragging her chair back to her own desk and curling up in her blankets without another word.


	5. Chapter 5

Ryan doesn’t sleep for shit that night. She knows she was too harsh on Mariah, really her roommate was just trying to be a good friend. Around six in the morning the soft beat of Pink Floyd’s Another Brick in the Wall starts up softly from Mariah’s phone. Ryan smiles softly against her pillow, of course Mariah would have some shitty old song as her alarm. With a heavy sigh, she hears the covers across the room being tossed off and drawers being shuffled around in. The door opens and closes as Mariah goes out for what Ryan is assuming her morning run.

The guilt from snapping at her last night floods in as she lays there in the too quiet room. With a rough ‘fuck it’ mumbled under her breath she gets up too. It’s chilly in the room and despite the long sleeves she can feel the goosebumps rising. Tosing her blanket over her like a cape she walks out the door, leaving it open, and makes her way to the communal kitchen. The halls and kitchen are as dead as a graveyard. No one in their right mind is up this early for the first day of classes.

The coffee machine is just like the ones at every nursing home and gas station out there. She puts the travel mug she’d grabbed from Mariah’s desk on her way out of the room and fills it up. An apology of sorts for acting like a bitch. When she gets back to the room, she leaves the mug in the middle of Mariah’s desk where she is sure to find it. When she sets it down her eyes graze over her binder of pictures still sitting on her own desk. Maybe she’d like it, but maybe it’d be a weird gesture. Either way, it’s worth a try. Ryan fips to the last few pages, ones that Mariah hadn’t gotten to. She stops when she gets to the picture she wants. There’s a whole page of pictures from that week, she takes out one that she has endless copies of and hesitantly leaves it on top of the travel mug.

Knowing sleep is out of the picture, it’s already almost seven, she turns to her closet to get dressed. The outfit she’d had packed in her duffel sits ready and waiting for her. The jeans are her favorite, they’re soft and worn but they also make her feel really good about herself. The tank top is plain black, something she’d gotten from Walmart off the clearance rack. The thrifted flannel shirt is teal and she knows it brights out a glint of green in her hazel eyes. Something her friends at the FFRHF always loved to point out. She walks around the room while buttoning up the flannel, pacing really. No matter how many times her and her mom fought, at least she knew her mom probably wouldn’t even remember it the next day. Mariah would.

The sound of the door opening snaps Ryan to attention, Mariah is absolutely dripping in sweat, the blonde hair pulled into a messy bun that’s half fallen out. “Oh, I didn’t think you’d be up. I didn’t wake you did I?”

“No, I was up anyway.” Ryan chews her lip a little. Apologies weren’t really something she’d ever gotten good at.

“I’m going to grab a shower quick, didn’t really expect to run so much but it was too nice out.” Her words seem hesitant, like she isn’t sure Ryan wants to talk to her.

Ryan watches her, shifting from one foot to the other as Mariah goes around and gets everything she needs for the shower just like she had last night, “Yeah, sounds good. I, uh, I filled up your coffee for you.”

The dripping face melts into a smile, “Thanks, Ry.” It hurts a little that she doesn’t even look at it the coffee before leaving but ultimately it’s her fault if Mariah is still mad.

All she can do it drop back onto her bed with a long sigh and wait. It’s the waiting that kills her, she’s usually so busy that she doesn’t have to worry about waiting. Even on slow shifts she’s got enough to do to distract herself from overthinking things. But her interviews aren’t until Friday so until then there is nothing to do but worry about every little thing.

Mariah comes back with soaked hair, fully dressed. Ripped jean shorts and flowy yellow tank top with purple flowers. She drapes the towels over the top dresser drawer that she leaves slightly open. When she turns to the desk to grab a drink of the coffee, she sees the picture. Smiling, she picks it up to get a better look. In the picture is a fourteen year old Ryan, Tyler, and a couple others friends. They were all dressed up for National Mental Health week. The theme that year was superheroes.

“Your hair was pink!” Mariah’s face lights up as she looks at the picture and Ryan blushes a little. “Sharkboy and Lavagirl! I loved that movie.”

“It was Tyler’s idea. Our nurse dressed up as Mr. Electric.” The endearing face is almost overwhelming, then it shifts a little.”

“Nurse?” Shit! She hadn’t meant to let that slip. SHIT!She had meant to tell her it was Halloween in the picture, but no in her excitement she’d told the truth.

“Um, yeah.” Her hand darts to the back of her neck nervously trying to think up something but nothing comes. 

“Anyway yeah we couldn’t find a pink wig that we liked so we just said fuck it and dyed my hair bubblegum pink.”

“It looks good on you. I’ve always wanted to do something crazy with my hair but never had the guts.” There doesn’t seem to be any lingering anger in the way Mariah talks. Maybe the picture had been a good idea after all.

“College is the prime time for experimenting.”

“I’m pretty sure that’s usually sexual.” Mariah tosses her a wink, which despite not being sexual in itself still makes Ryan blush. “But maybe I should try. The hair! The hair I mean.”

The way Mariah blushes makes Ryan feel a little better. At least she wasn’t the only one acting awkward. “Blue tips. You should do blue tips. It’d be really pretty with your eyes.”

“How did I get the best roommate?” Mariah smiles, setting the photo down carefully on her desk.

“You didn’t, I mean, I was kind of a bitch to you.”

“Oh that’s right, you don’t have siblings!” Mariah laughs out, “Matt and I fight all the time, honestly I can be a real bitch especially when I get my period. But I leave him some jerky or whatever as a peace offering and we’re back to normal like it never happened.” She pauses to take a long drink of the coffee. “And you left me a peace offering so we’re good.”

“Just like that?”

“Just like that.” The watchful blue eyes drift over Ryan’s outfit. “Hmm you know flannel looks better with the sleeves rolled up.” Mariah takes a step closer, arms reached up towards the sleeves. Ryan pulls away quickly.

“I, uh, I like them down.” She hides her face by looking down.

“You don’t sound so sure. I can roll them for you if you’d like.” She holds her hands out hesitantly, waiting for Ryan’s approval.

“Not today, okay.” The voice is barely there, but it’s all she’s got. When Mariah pulls her hand back to the coffee Ryan breathes out a sigh of relief.

“How about we head out for breakfast before class? I’ve been dreaming of the double chocolate muffins I saw in the display case yesterday.” Ryan nods and slings her backpack over her shoulder. According to their schedules, they’d have all the same classes on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Mariah grabs her own bag, stuffing her purse into before heading out the door.

********************************

It’s a long first day of classes, between the two of them they only manage to get lost in the twisty halls three times. Lunch on campus was hectic, but not as bad as it was yesterday. Overall Ryan was left with a positive outlook on what her classes would hold for her this semester.

When Ryan came back from her shower, Mariah was in her bed by the window with a thick book. As if it was the most natural thing in the world, Ryan pulls her own book from her bag and sits down with her back to the window. After a few minutes, Mariah grabbed a throw pillow off of her own bed and set it on Ryan’s lap. She had her music playing on the bluetooth speaker and Ryan had asked her to turn it off so she could focus on the big scene coming up. Happy to comply, Mariah put on headphones before laying back down on Ryan’s bed.

Pulling Ryan from the trance of reading, her phone buzzes away in her pocket. Without jostling Mariah too much, she fishes it out. Incoming call from Villa of SF is centered on the screen. Part of her wants to not answer it at all, it’s almost never good news, but the little voice inside of her that says ‘she could be having a good day’ just can’t be ignored. So she answers.

“Hey this is Ryan.”

“Hey Ryan, it’s Natasha.” The familiar voice of her mother’s usual RN comes through instead of the voice of her mother like she’d expected. “Look honey, I just wanted to give you a heads up. Maggie is in one of her moods, saying some pretty rough stuff. We aren’t sure what triggered it, but just wanted to let you know not to answer your phone the rest of the night. You don’t deserve to hear any of what she’s saying, she probably doesn’t mean any of it anyway.”

“Thanks for letting me know.”

“Take care, hun.”

“Thanks, I’ll try to call her sometime this week.”

“Sounds good.” The line clicks as Ryan hangs up. She lets her head drop against the window. It wouldn’t be the first time Natasha gave her a warning call. Mariah is moving her head, dancing in her own way to the music that Ryan can’t hear. Right now she’s thankful that Mariah has quality headphones, and not just because she doesn’t like to listen to music when she’s reading. It’s almost comforting to feel the dulled movements through the pillow between her lap and Mariah’s head. She looks peaceful, and Ryan wishes she could feel like that right now. 

Her phone starts vibrating as soon as she sets it down on the bed next to her. She knows switching it off would send it straight to voicemail which would only make her mom mad. Natasha and the other staff don’t deserve the anger to be taken out on them. So she just lets it vibrate endlessly, one call after the next.

“Please tell me that’s your phone and not your Bob.” When Ryan looks down, Mariah is looking up at her with a smirk. Her book is laid open on her stomach and she’s taken the headphones off as well.

She must look confused because Mariah explains. “Bob. Battery operated boyfriend. Vibrator.”

“Oh. Oh! No it’s just my phone.” Ryan rushes to explain.

“Relax, I wasn’t being serious. Like for real if I thought it was a vibrator it’s not like you could use it, I’m kind of blocking your access.” The smile is genuine and light, it helps calm Ryan down a little.

“Who said anything about using it on me?” Ryan jokes back. She’s glad she does when Mariah breaks out laughing, little wrinkles forming around her eyes and her nose scrunching up. It was nothing if not adorable.

“So who are you ignoring? Shitty ex that can’t get over what she lost?”

“I’ve never even dated.” Ryan huffs out.

“Okay, well remind me to pester you about that later!” Mariah shifts up so she’s a little further up the pillow. “For real, who are we ignoring.”

No sense in trying to lie or hide. Besides, there was something about talking with Mariah makes her not want to anyway, “My mom.”

“Would you hate me if I asked why you’re ignoring her.” Ryan thinks about it for a moment. She’s not used to talking about her mom, which is why she’s so quick to get upset when Mariah mentions it. But at the same time, she just doesn’t think she has it in her to keep it all to herself tonight. She’s been in such a good mood today and she doesn’t want it ruined by being unwilling to share. 

“Here, pick a voicemail any voicemail. She’s already left me four.” Ryan hands her phone over to Mariah, who takes it hesitantly.

“You God-damn fag, you answer you fucking phone when I call!” Comes hissin from the phone as soon as Mariah’s clicked the most recent voicemail. “I oughta have had them leave you in that fucking fire if -”

The line clicks silent. Mariah holds tight to the phone with a somber look. She just stares up at the ceiling for a little while taking it in. Ryan lets her, silence is better than the response she’s used to. Eventually Mariah speaks,. “Who pissed in her sink?”

It takes a moment, but then Ryan is laughing her ass off. It was just what she needed to hear. No ‘I’m sorry’ or ‘you poor thing’. Just a good joke to shift the mood back to how it’s supposed to be.

“On a more serious note, if you ever want to hear some acceptance you can call my mom.” Before Ryan can argue Mariah is adding her own mom as a contact. “Her name is Shelley. She went to Pride with me last year in one of those ‘mom hugs’ shirts.”

“Thanks.”

“Soooo.”

“Can’t you forget anything?”

“Never.” That damn smirk is back on her face and Ryan knows that she’s on a warpath determined to know everything about Ryan’s history.

“Okay, I’ve never dated. Never been on a date. Only ever had that one kiss back when I was ten.”

“I have so much to teach you, Ry.”


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Their first Friday afternoon/night on campus.

“Your first Friday on campus and you’re getting dolled up for job interviews.” 

“Oh yeah, because you’re getting ready for the party of your life right now.” Ryan rolls her eyes at Mariah whose sitting at her desk doing homework.

“It’s only 3 in the afternoon, I’ve got all sorts of time to hit up a party.” She tosses back with a wink.

Ryan flips through her closet trying to find the cardigan she’s looking for because of course it isn’t where she thought she’d put it.

“Just wear it without the cardigan, Ry, it’s cute.” Mariah stands up, temporarily giving up on her homework to help Ryan. She picks up the dress off of Ryan’s bed, a simple floral pattern in pastel colors. She holds it up to Ryan’s body on top of the jeans and long sleeve shirt. “See. Professional, but still adorable.”

“Absolutely not.” Ryan argues doing her best to give Mariah a pointed look. “Now are you going to help me look or continue with the puppy dog eyes.”

She rolls her eyes in response, tossing the dress back to the bed. “What color is it?”

“Dark grey.” Ryan answers, taking to the drawers now.

Mariah lets out a laugh pulling Ryan’s attention. “It’s literally hanging right here.” She pulls the first hanger out of Ryan’s closet with a dark grey cardigan. “How nervous are you? You said you had a million jobs, shouldn’t you be used to this by now?”

“Guess I’m just a little distracted.” Ryan mutters grabbing it off the hanger and tossing it with the dress. Opening a drawer she pulls out leggings in the same color. “Okay, I’ll run to the bathroom to change.”

Before she can get two steps, Mariah grabs her arm, “If you’re going to be all shy you can just ask me to turn around.”

Ryan blushes a little at that. It’s not that she’s shy in front of Mariah, she just doesn’t change in front of anyone. To emphasize her point, Mariah spins around and covers her eyes with her hands. “Go or stay, I promise not to check out your ass.”

She stays. Even with Mariah facing the other way and being true to her word about not peeking, she can’t help how fast her heart beats. It’s not fair to be scared about something as stupid as this, but she is.

“You can look now.” Mariah drops her hands and spins back around.

“I love it! You look so cute, Ry.” The sentiment makes Ryan’s face turn red, but Mariah doesn’t seem fazed by it. “Please please let me do your hair. Dutch braids would look so good with that dress.”

“Only because you didn’t peek.” The way Mariah smiles at that reminds Ryan of an excited puppy who's been given a new toy.

Mariah kneels on Ryan’s bed with Ryan sitting in front of her. She tugs on the hair, apologizing if she thinks she was too rough. Halfway through the second braid she speaks up, “So is there a reason you don’t change in front of people? Because if you’re worried I’ll judge you, I promise I won’t. I’ve got stretchmarks all over, well not all over I guess. Mostly on my thighs, but you get the point.”

“I don’t think you’d judge me for stretch marks.” Ryan takes a deep breath. “It’s a little more complicated than that.”

“You don’t have to tell me, I won’t push it. I was just kind of curious.” Mariah pauses as she ties the elastic around the end of the braid. “I know I look like the stereotypical mean girl type, I just want you to know that I’m not. Or at least I try not to be like that.”

“Mariah, you’re fine. It’s just a thing of mine.” Ryan gets up to check out the braids in the mirror above the little sink.

“Like them? Missy asks me to do them for her all the time, but her hair is longer so it’s a little different.” Ryan smiles back at Mariah, she almost looks nervous about what Ryan’ll think.

“Love ‘em, thank you.” It’s been years since someone else braided her hair. She tries to think when it was. Maybe Tyler and Lindsey? 

“How long until interview one?” Mariah asks, climbing down off the bed to sit back at her desk. Ryan pulls out her phone from the cardigan’s pocket.

“I’ve got about fifteen minutes.”

“Okay, so I know I’ve been kind of nosy into your life, which isn’t really fair. So you’ve got fifteen minutes to ask me anything and everything you want to know and I’ll answer honestly.”

It takes Ryan a minute to decide whether or not she even wants to, but Mariah seems to be patiently waiting so what’s the harm in it? “Why are you so worried that I think you’re a bitch?” It’s something that she’d picked up on fairly quickly, everytime Mariah toes the line she accuses herself of it even if Ryan hadn’t come close to the thought herself.

Without missing a beat, Mariah answers, “Because you’re my roommate, you seem really nice, and I want to be your friend. I know I can come off kind of strong, and it’s messed with friendships in the past because I have a tendency to blur the lines of when I should offer help and when I should just shut up and listen.”

“Favorite color?”

“Pink, come on give me something a little harder.” Mariah smiles encouragingly, switching from the desk chair to sitting on the edge of her desk swinging her feet.

“Okay, if you’re so rich, why not splurge on a private room or an off-campus apartment.”

“I didn’t want to. I want the full college experience and that involves stuffing myself into a box and hoping I don’t get stuck with some weirdo. Guess I’m luckier than I thought.”

“Move in day you said you chose the first floor.” Ryan hesitates, asking this was a big deal for her, “Did you actually choose it or was it mandatory for you?” This is something she’d been wondering, was Mariah stuck on the first floor for the same reason she is?

“I chose it,” Mariah almost looks puzzled, “I didn’t think you could be mandated to a floor.”

“Who's your favorite sibling?” Ryan asks quickly, not wanting to stick on the subject. 

“Matt hands down. Missy is in the whole slamming doors and hating everything phase.”

“What’s the most rebellious thing you’ve ever done?”

“Umm I snuck out a couple times, but I only ever went to a friend’s house and I’m like ninety percent sure my mom knew about it.”

“Starbucks or Dunkin’ Donuts?”

“Caribou, this is Minnesota dontcha know.” Mariah pulls out a true Minnesotan accent only heard on tv and bad jokes.

“You don’t have a car, do you even have a license.”

“Took me three tests, but yes I do.”

“Who is your best friend?”

“Right now? No one. Maybe Matt, maybe you.” Mariah’s smile shifts a little, but never goes away fully, “In high school we were mostly friends of circumstance. Outside of school we didn’t hang out too much and after graduation contact dropped almost completely.”

“You seem like an after school club kind of person, what all did you do?”

“FCCLA, speech, debate, lgbtq, band, choir, track, basketball, knowledge bowl, football cheerleading, and probably a million other things.”

“What’d you play in band.”

“First chair trumpet.”

“When was your first kiss?”

Mariah blushes heavily, turning her eyes away from Ryan. “Annette back in eighth grade. We went to some shitty county fair by her parent’s lake cabin and she kissed me at the top of the ferris wheel.”

“Awww that’s so much better than mine.” Ryan whines a little, her first kiss had been amazing until her mom started screaming at her. It’s not exactly a fond memory. 

“At some point you’re going to tell me about that, but for now you’d better get going.” Mariah tosses her the wallet off the desk next to her and Ryan leaves for a string of interviews. Oddly enough the questions seemed to help her settle any lingering nerves.

***************************************************

With the last of her interviews behind her, Ryan is ready for a quiet Friday night. The rest of the dorm seems to disagree. On the ‘boys’ side of the divided dorm, she can see (and hear) the party raging on the 4th floor. So much for the ‘alcohol is bad’ speech they were given on Monday. As soon as she walks in the door she sees red solo cups in almost everyone she passes hands. And what about the RAs? Well this is college, they probably planned the party.

Her door was closed, which either means Mariah is avoiding the party or taking part in it. She doesn’t really know her well enough to have any clue, but she still finds herself surprised when she finds Mariah stacking books on Ryan’s desk chair.

“You’re early! How am I supposed to present you with a congratulatory movie night if you come home early!” Mariah scolds playfully as she sets her laptop on the stack.

“Would you rather me be late?”

“Yes, because maybe that means you stopped and had a little fun at the party going on upstairs.”

“Not a chance.”

“Okay, well you do whatever it is you do and I’ll finish setting up okay.”

“Are you kicking me out?”

“No, I just mean do whatever it is you usually do. Change, pray to the devil, I don’t know.”

“I’m starting to think I got stuck with the weird roommate.”

“Well too bad, you’ll just have to put up with me.” Mariah teases, sticking out her tongue as she walks over to her own bed. She tosses over every single one of her (many) pillows and follows that up with dragging over her comforter too. Ryan just shakes her head as she grabs out her softest pajama pants and a shirt to go with it. 

“I’ll be right back.” Ryan says over her shoulder as she heads to the communal bathroom. It takes some skill dodging the flow of traffic, there must be a second party starting on the girl’s side judging by the amount of people heading up the stairs. 

She locks herself into a dry shower stall and changes into the warm pajamas. The shower stall next to hers is running. When she’s leaving she swears she hears moaning, but maybe it’s just the thumping of music? Another sound comes as she opens the door to the hallway. Nope, definitely a moan. 

The walk back has Ryan trying to hold back her giggling, first week of college and people were already getting busy. She opens the door excited to share the experience with Mariah but when she opens the door she can’t remember what she was going to tell her. The fairy lights are on and her bed is made into a complete nest of pillows and blankets. There are snacks and drinks all over the floor in front of the bed, a bowl of popcorn resting in Mariah’s lap.

“Are you going to just stand there or come pick something to watch?” Mariah asks, looking a little proud of herself. 

Ryan tosses the dirty clothes into the hamper at the bottom of her closet before climbing over Mariah and settling into the blankets. 

“I’ve got Netflix, Hulu, Prime, pretty much anything you can think of.”

“I never really watched a lot of tv.” Ryan admits, even when she had a little bit of downtime, it’s not like she had anywhere to watch it. She really only caught the occasional blurb of some obscure documentary on the History channel (which really should be called the Conspiracy Theory Network).

“You know, I think I have the perfect for show for us to binge!” Mariah leans over to the laptop typing in the search bar then tapping the screen to select what she wants. “Queer as Folk. It’s awesome and you’ll love it. Warning, it is a little raunchy. Is that okay?” Mariah looks a little panicked, like she made the wrong assumption again. It’s a look that makes Ryan giggle.

“How innocent do I look?”

“I mean, you did tell me you’ve never gone past kissing soooo.”

Ryan rolls her eyes, “I think I read enough smut to make up for lack of actual experience.”

“Ooh you dirty dirty girl. I think we just became besties.” Mariah playfully nudges Ryan’s shoulder tapping the spacebar with her foot to hit play.

Three episodes in and Ryan is hooked! The plot, the characters, the sex. Mariah explains random bits and pieces about characters while they watch. It’s the most fun that Ryan’s had on a Friday night in a long time.

They’re interrupted at about half past eleven by a solid knock on the door, followed up about once a minute. Mariah sighs, tossing open her blanket to answer it or tell them to make out against someone else’s door. Ryan watches as Matt stumbles in pushing past his sister.

“Eh, eh M’ria guess what.”

“What.” She stands with her arms crossed not at all amused by her brother drunkenly leaning against the dresser.

“I won the, the, gah. The throw in the cup game.”

“Beer pong.’

“Yeah!” His face lights up in the same way Mariah’s does, it’s interesting how similar their mannerisms are.

“Go back to your room and sober up.” Ryan pauses the show, watching the twins was almost better entertainment at the moment.

“Can’t M, that’s where the party’s at.” His head falls from one side to the next as he talks, like he isn’t sure how to hold it.

“And you're here why?

“Sleep. Gotta practice the, the, ugh, the throw pointy ball game.”

“Football.” She sighs angirly, “Ugh fine, you can sleep on my bed.” Her arm points over the almost bare bed.”

His eyes follow the fingers and Ryan swears she can see it trying to make sense of things. He looks over to Ryan now, still sitting with all the bedding. His lip quirks up and he winks. “I see, I see. She’s a-fuck whats it called?” His head shifts back to Mariah for the answer he knows she has.

Mariah just shoves him, pushing him towards the bed. HIs uneven steps barely get him there. “Hey, toss me a pillow would you?” She asks Ryan.

Ryan throws the shimmery unicorn one over to her open arms. The blanket at the foot of Mariah’s bed is untucked and wrapped around Matt. As a last minute addition, she sets the garbage on the floor next to him. Before she leaves him, she leans over and gives him a kiss on his forehead. “If you throw up on my shit I’ll call dad and tattle on you for drinking.”

She shuts the door, hopefully for the last time tonight. Ryan holds open the blanket as an invitation that Mariah happily accepts, hitting play at she goes by the screen. As they settle in amongst the bedding a heavy sex scene comes on.

“Oh my God, M! You’re watching the porn?” Matt groans from the other side of the room. Mariah bursts out laughing.

“Yeah, Matty. Me and my roommate that I met less than a week ago and chilling here watching porn together. Jeez, pull your head out of the gutter for once.”

“Done weirder just to get head. Least she’s hot.” His voice is slurred and slow like he’s drifting into sleep. Mariah turns to Ryan to roll her eyes before they turn back to the show. At some point they end up falling asleep curled up in the little nest.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They make friends!

Incredibly early in the morning Ryan half-wakes up to find herself curled up against Mariah. It’s too early for her to wake up, much less really think about anything, so just closes her eyes and goes back to sleep.

The second time she wakes up that morning, she finds herself alone on the bed. Across the room she can hear the little dings and chirps of a phone game being played. She rolls around and sees that it’s Matt.

Having heard Ryan shifting around Matt says, “She went for a run a little bit ago, warned me if I woke you up that there would be consequences so be sure she knows I let you sleep in.”

“Uh, okay?” Ryan sits up more, rubbing the sleep out of her eyes.

“So, uh, what’s with you and M?” Matt’s sitting on the edge of Mariah’s bed, tying his shoes. He looks a hell of a lot better than he did last night.

“What do you mean?” Ryan cocks her head a little to the side trying to get his point.

“Oh please, you two were spooning when I woke up.” He grins, “You were the little spoon by the way.”

“You stole her bed, we must have fallen asleep watching the show.” Ryan defends, her face only reddening a little.

“Jesus you’re as bad at making excuses as she is.” He shakes his head getting up to go. “If she asks I had to go to practice.”

Just before leaving he sticks his head back in the door, “If I’m wrong you can always call me, left my number on your desk.” He winks and shuts the door.

Ryan stifles a laugh, why is that something she could see Mariah doing? She takes advantage of the empty room and the quiet all around the dorm building to get ready slowly. It’s the first Saturday she’s had off in years and honestly she doesn’t have a single clue what to do. There’s no one else in the showers (thankfully no moaning either) so she takes a lot longer than she normally would, letting the steam build up a calming feel. 

She’d slept amazing last night. Part of her wants to attribute it to the extra blankets, or that it was chilly enough in the room with the window slightly open that she hadn’t gotten too hot in the long sleeves like she has been most of the summer. Another part of her wonders if it had anything to do with sharing the bed, but that’s ridiculous. But maybe it’s not. Platonic cuddling never hurt anyone right? People pay for strangers to cuddle them for fuck’s sake, so falling asleep with a roommate isn’t that weird. 

With the water off, she towels dry. Communal showers suck, there’s no doubt about that. She’d gotten spoiled in the last few years having a normal bathroom with a tub/shower at the places where she’d do overnight shifts. It sucks having to dry off and get dressed in the damp stall, but it’s either stay in the stall or get dressed in the open where anyone could see and that’s just not going to happen. She could go back to her room, but Mariah’s due back from her run any minute now if she isn’t back already.

She leans against the door to pull on the black stretchy pants and a loose fitting long sleeved shirt Foregoing a bra because it’s a Saturday and for once she has nowhere to be with no one to impress. She’d left the socks in the room, she just ended up getting them damp when she’d brought them last time and damp clothes were the worst. 

It’s still quiet in the halls on her way back to the room, no sign at all that there had been a party going until early in the morning. Mariah isn’t back yet, but Ryan isn’t worried. She tends to either go for long runs in the mornings or gets distracted and just people watches. On top of that, it’s not like they’re going to be late for class. 

Ryan stretches out on her bed, it’s so much more comfortable than the backseat of her shitty car, especially with all of Mariah’s bedding added to her own. The shirt pulls up over her stomach, but that doesn’t bother her so much. It’s oddly enough one of the only parts of her body she was comfortable showing off. There was a lot to hate about herself, especially her stomach. But none of those reasons showed physically. Bruises disappear, scars only fade. Though she wouldn’t mind gaining a few pounds to look a little less homeless. Maybe she’d gain those ‘freshman fifteen’ that Mariah was so worried about.

Her fingers run across her stomach. The rooms quiet but memories come in that were anything but. In an attempt to shake herself out of that train of thinking, she sits up fast enough to make her a bit dizzy. She could always do homework. The stuff assigned this week was easy enough to do between classes, but she could always get ahead. Ryan moves to the desk planning to get something accomplished, downtime just makes her think too much and she’d like to not do that. 

Halfway through a terrible first draft for college comp the door swings open. Mariah isn’t alone, she’s got a couple other people with her. Mariah and the mystery two are all dressed in baggy shorts and tank tops. Only the boy is sweating, the other two don’t look they even left the building.

“Hey, Ry.” Mariah smiles when Ryan looks up from her laptop. “I hope you don’t mind, found a couple new friends on my run.

“Please you weren’t running. I was running.” The boy says, his voice is higher than Ryan would have expected, but it seems to suit him well.

“Okay, on my walk.” Mariah rolls her eyes at him. “Anyway, Ryan meet Amanda and Simon.”

The two say hi, and she says hi back. Amanda is short, looking more like a freshman in high school than college. Simon’s undeniably good looking, his shaggy brown hair pairing well with the stunningly green eyes.

Ryan stays sitting at her desk even if she knows she won’t be doing any more homework for the time being. Her laptops getting overheated anyway. Besides, socialization could be a good distraction too.

“So do I get the clean shirt you promised or do I get to go bail and take a shower?” Simon asks with an eyebrow raised. Without answering Mariah goes to her closet and digs around a bit before pulling something off a hanger. She tosses the shirt over to her bed where the two sat down. Simon pulls off his tank top revealing two curved red marks under his chest. She must look a little too long at it.

“Take a picture, it’d last longer.” He quips angrily pulling the clean shirt over his head.

“Sorry,” Ryan feels her face heating up, “Just not used to people being so open about their scars.”

His face softens, “It’s easy when you’re proud of them.”

Ryan doesn’t really know how to reply so she just nods. It doesn’t seem to be enough of an answer for him and he moves across the room and leans against the edge of her desk. He leans in to her a bit with a smirk, “Got scars of your own?”

“A few.” She swallows heavily. Few hundred would be more accurate, but she won’t say that.

“Care to share with the class?” His eyebrow quicks up cockily.

Ryan scoffs audible, “No.”

“Why not?”

“Because-” Because why? A thousand reasons swim through her head but none of them coherent enough to make any sense right now.

“You’re ashamed of them, they make you ugly, they remind of shitty things or shitty people?”

“Simon, enough.” Mariah steps forward now from her where she’d been standing at her closet. “She doesn’t have to if she doesn’t want to.”

He raises his arms in defeat, “Fine, but she’d feel better if she did.”

“Hey, just because you’re a dude now doesn’t mean you get to be a douche.” Amanda says to him which makes him smile.

“Yeah, guess it comes with the t.” Pushing himself away from the desk, he plops down next to Amanda on Mariah’s bed.

“Wow,” Amanda comments nodding her head over to Ryan’s bed where the bedding is still all piled up, “One week in and y’all are already sleeping together? Dang, I got the short straw. My roomie steals my pop-tarts.”

“You perv,” Mariah jibes, “It was a Netflix binge that got crashed by my drunk as a skunk brother that stole my bed.”

“So good old Netflix and chill, that got pussy-blocked, eh?” Simon adds in. “And here I was thinking I might leave your pretty little friend my number.”

Mariah rolls her eyes, but Ryan just laughs, “Her brother already did.” She holds up the sticky note that Matt had left.

“Of course he did!” Mariah laughs now too. “I really shouldn’t be surprised, he did text me to ask if you were single.”

“Am I the only one in this room that’s not going to try to hook up with Ryan?” Amanda asks shaking her head.

“Who said anything about hooking up?” Simon snarks back, “Just because I got myself a brand new dick for Christmas doesn’t mean I need to shove it in to something. Nuh uh, I want to get to know all of this fine ladies little secrets, all the stories behind the scars.”

“That sounds like the plot to a movie that tanks.” Amanda snides. Despite the light atmosphere, Ryan still finds herself blushing. Sure they’re just joking around, but she’s never really been noticed like that so openly.

“Ry, I am so sorry for these absolute animals.” Mariah’s smile is huge, “I had no idea that the strays I picked up would be so hard to tame.”

“Hey now, who says you’re not the stray?” Simon jokes, “I mean technically I’m the one who picked you two up.” He turns to Ryan, “These two dumbasses were at the little fountain by the admin office trying to lure a goose with bread.”

“It wasn’t bread, it was a rice cake.” Amanda butts in, “bread isn’t good for them, I’m not stupid.”

“It’s a goose! They’re Satan in bird form, Amanda. You’re just lucky I scared it away before it could eat you.”

“Yeah remind me to call PETA on you for throwing a rock at it, all it wanted to do was get a little snack.” Amanda pouts.

“You’re small enough to BE it’s snack, I will not apologize for saving your life.”

“Oh! Speaking of snacks,” Amanda smiles over to Mariah.”

“What you think you get a snack after being all pervy?”

“Come on please.” The smaller girl folds her hands together in front of her face.

“Fine, under my desk.” Amanda hops off the bed before Mariah can finish speaking. Sending the desk chair gliding away on its wheels, she pulls out the reusable shopping bags housing the snacks from last night’s binge. Ryan hadn’t even noticed that they’d been put away this morning.

“Can I just move in with you two? Damn this is a good selection.” After picking through it all Amanda settles on a half-empty box of Cheez-its.

“So what’s the plan for today? Sit around and eat junk or are we actually doing something that involves me putting actual clothes on?” Simon asks stealing a handful from the box.

“Hey what’s wrong with sitting around eating junk food?”

“Absolutely nothing, it’s what I’ve been doing all week.” Simon smiles, pouring another handful of cheese crackers into his mouth.

“We could go to the beach, I’ve never seen so many lakes before!” Amanda suggests excitedly, but Mariah scrunches her nose.

“They’ll be way too crowded, don’t forget we’re not the only university in the area who started classes this week.”

“Besides,” Simon pitches in, “I doubt Ryan over here does swimsuits with the super secret scars she won’t tell us about.”

“One scar.” Simon cocks his head to the side reminding Ryan of a bird. “I’ll show you one scar.”

He jumps up in excitement. “I knew I’d get to her at some point. Who knows, by the end of the semester maybe she’ll be ready to go to a nude beach with us.” He waggles his eyebrows a bit at that added effect.

“You don’t have to play into his games, Ry.” Mariah’s eyes seem soft, almost concerned. But for whatever reason Ryan is feeling confident today so why not?

Simon kneels in front of Ryan like a child awaiting a present, “What story will this fair maiden tell us?” 

“So I worked at a nursing home and earlier this month one of the residents was just really in a bad mood. Long story short, she ended up throwing a lamp at me." Ryan pulls open her collar of her shirt a bit showing a semi-fresh scar on her shoulder not far off from her neck. It's still pretty red, it had happened on her last shift before coming here.

"Damn what'd you do to piss her off?" Simon stand up again, coming in closer to check it out. It was a pretty good sized cut, but really it looks worse than it was. In the end it hadn’t even needed stitches.

"Told her I was leaving for college." Ryan shrugs, and over Simon's shoulder she catches Mariah's eyes. They look sympathetic, sad. She looks away to not break her confidence.

"I've got to say, you leave me wanting more my dear mystery." Simon adds before sitting plopping down on Ryan's lap. "I'd show you my other scars, but you'd have to buy me dinner first."

"You're not my type."

Doing his best to fake a hurtful voice, Simon responds, "See, there you go veering back into transphobia!" 

"Well you did have the parts I'm into removed so."

"Oh so she is a queer! No wonder my gaydar was going crazy." 

"Might have been me." Mariah’s worried look transcends into one of those smiles Ryan is finding herself growing addicted to.

Amanda shakes her head. "Two lesbians in a dorm, Jesus why do they bother separating the boys and girls in this day and age." 

"Pan not lesbian." Mariah corrects, sticking out her tongue for added effect.

"Oh wow my bad, doesn't stop the whole getting freaky with your roommate thing that they're trying to prevent."

"So are we doing anything or not?" Whines Simon.

"I vote we sit and eat all Mariah's snacks.” Amanda chides, still working on her cheez-its, “Did you see that stash?"

"Stash of a stoner if I ever saw one."

Mariah scoffs at that, "Or of a professional Netflix binger."

"Gah, you're just getting more boring." Ryan lets himself slide down to the floor off of Ryan sending her chair slide back against the bed.

"Got anything to drink? Four is enough for drinking games?" 

"The little chipmunk drinks? You may just be the girl of my dreams.” Amanda rolls her eyes at him as he crawls on his hands and knees over to her, “I've been hitting on the wrong chick all morning!"

"Yeah morning, as in it's nine in the morning." Mariah interrupts. 

"Five o'clock somewhere." Shrugs Amanda. 

"Bet you're against strip games too." Simon pouts, crossing his arms defiantly after sitting on the floor leaning against the bed between Amanda and Mariah.

"Yeah I've got no interest in seeing you naked." Ryan retorts.

“Get drunk enough and you might change your mind.” The overly sexual wink sends Ryan laughing.

“There isn’t enough booze in the world.”

"Okay so we just sit around and gossip? Bitch about them no good hoes from our home towns?" Amanda suggests jokingly.

"My favorite hobby,” Simon answers crossing his legs and resting his hands under his chin for a moment, “after being the no good how of course."

*****************************************************************

The four of them had all settled on Ryan’s bed (beings it still had all the bedding on it) for their ‘bitch fest’ as Simon called it. They were all sober, but none of them acted like it. They were giggling at everything and spilling stuff most people wouldn’t.

“I’m not even kidding, he thought I was a fucking seventh grader!” Amanda is yelling over a chorus of laughter, “He was so nervous too when he asked me out and I almost didn’t have the heart to tell him I was a senior!”

“The poor kid!” Mariah wipes a tear from her eye. “You’re just so short and he didn’t stand a chance.”

“Okay but at least he was all sweet about it, the last person that asked me out just wanted to see my brand new junk.” Simon whines.

“Aww you poor baby,” Ryan chides, “If it makes you feel better I’ll never ever ask to see your junk.”

“But saying stuff like that just makes me want to show it to you!” He teases, pulling Ryan into a hug from behind and kissing the back of her head. “You’re too pure for this world darling.”

“Too pure for us that’s for damn sure.” Mariah says, raising her can of pop to the ceiling in a toast.

“Y’all make me sound like an angel.” Ryan blushes

“Eh, more like a fallen angel.” Simon says, squeezing her a little tighter. “So what about you, huh. When did the angel last get asked out.

“Earlier today, first by Matt, then you. Apparently all the boys want what they can’t have.”

“Okay before us then.”

“Prom I think, junior year.” It takes a little bit to think back on it, but yeah that’s probably the last time anyone had asked her out. “Ended up a disaster, but eh shit happens.”

“Well you can’t just leave us hanging, what’d the bitch do?” Amanda asks between bites of a twizzler.

“First off it was a he not a she. His name was Jake and he was actually one of my best friends.” Ryan thinks about how to explain it while still excluding certain parts, “At that point I hadn’t come out, mostly because my parents didn’t exactly take it well and it being a pretty small town in the south I didn’t figure people at school would be much better. So when Jake asked me to prom I didn’t really have any hesitation, him and I were pretty close so there was no harm in just going as friends.”

Ryan hesitates a bit, it’s been so long since she’d thought of that night it seemed kind of fuzzy now. “Prom itself was a lot of fun, but then on the ride home he started getting kind of handsy. I hadn’t really been expecting it so I told him to just drive me home instead of to the mutual friend’s house we were going to crash at. He got kind of pissy about it all, called me a tease and some other pretty shitty things. I thought maybe if I told him I just wasn’t interested in guys that he’d feel better, but he didn’t. He actually hasn’t spoken to me since I told him, dropped me off in silence.”

It takes another deep breath before she can make herself finish, “Went to school on Monday and found out he told the entire school that I’m a lesbian and let’s just say they didn’t take it very well.”

“Aww, Ry.” Mariah leans forward taking her into a hug, which quickly turned into a group hug.

“Okay, okay enough sappy shit. I had no intention of crying during our bitch fest.” Simon wipes his eyes on the back of his hand.

“Oh, so my dad sent me one of those ‘college freshman survival kit’ things, but I don’t think he actually checked it out before he sent it.” Amanda has a big smile on her face, excitement taking over as the prominent emotion. “He said he got it off some kid trying to save up for university. So I got it in the mail last night and the entire box was just gold. Dildos, fireball, porn, pot, I mean this box was just everything you shoudn’t be sending in the mail to a campus PO box.”

“Okay so next time we hang, you’re bringing the survival kit and we’re going to have ourselves a party.” Ryan can feel Simon’s excitement in the way he squeezes her a little tighter. Her heart beats a little faster, sitting in her dorm with a group of friends was something she didn’t realize how badly she needed.

“You are not smoking pot in my room, hell no.” Mariah raises her hands in protest, “Smoke all you want, but you will not be getting me kicked out of my first floor room.”

“Okay so my room next time, my roommate already smokes up a storm.” Simon says with confidence.

“I don’t smoke, by the way.” Mariah adds, “I’m fine with it and all, but it doesn’t sit well. Matt tried it a couple times and I had to go pick him up. I had to sing Disney songs to that fucker all night to get him to stop freaking out. He’s my twin and all so I take it I’d have the same shitty reaction.”

“Hey hey, we just got ourselves a designated ‘don’t call your ex’ ref.” Amanda says leaning against Mariah.

“I wish my dad was that careless,” Simon sighs, “He keeps sending me links to different studying techniques. My step-mom though, I can see her sending me weed knowingly. She’d do anything to win my approval. Mom would kick her ass if she found out she’s bought me for!”

“Family drama, am I right?” Amanda laughs back, “If my mom was home I’d have never gotten this. Only time I’ve been thankful that she’s deployed.”

“I’ve got no complaints,” Mariah adds, “two rich parents who are equally interested.”

“Boo, you’re too boring to be in our club.” Simon throws his twizzler at her. “What about you, angel. Bet you’ve got some pretty interesting folks.”

“Yeah, that’s one word for it.” Her mood shifts a little, the room’s doesn’t.

“Oh come on now they can’t be that bad.” Amanda says. But yes, yes they were that bad.

“They just never really wanted kids in the first place,” Ryan says, “but hey shit happens and here I am.”

“What about your dad, he stupid enough to send you pot and porn?”

“He was stupid enough to set get trapped in the back entry when he set our house on fire.” Ryan chides, no longer feeling as playful as she had before.

“Well shit.” Amanda mutters.

“Okay, time to break the tension. Ryan you are going to tell us your happiest story and then we’re going to order some actual food before Amanda sends herself into sugar shock.”

It takes a moment for Ryan to look up at the rest of them, they didn’t look at her with sorry expressions. They were just trying to shift her mood back, so why not let them?

“Tyler. He’s my happiest memories.”

“What happened to being a lesbian?” Simon asks.

“Not everything is about sex. Anyway, for my fourteenth birthday he wanted to do something really special. So him and I snuck out and he got us into a gay bar, well more of a club really. It’s important to note that it was well past midnight and we were definitely not supposed to be there. There were people dancing on the tables, strobe lights, drag queens, it was a whole new world for me!”

“How the hell didn’t you get kicked out?” Simon wonders aloud.

“A bouncer had stopped us after we’d only been in there like ten minutes. But Tyler gave him our whole sob story and he was nice enough to let us stick around as long as he didn’t catch us getting into any trouble. The whole night he watched over us too, it was really sweet. We were caught sneaking back in, but again Tyler smoothed everything over and we didn’t get into any trouble. It was the absolute best birthday I’ve ever had.”

“Well yeah, he fucked up. You can’t just start with the best, how’s he ever going to top that?”

“Story for a less happy day, okay.” She tries to sound cheerful at that, but really she doesn’t want to think about how it was the only birthday they’d spent together.

“You know, if we got some fakes we could totally up a gay bar, there’s got to be a good one around here.”

“No way they’d ever believe I’m twenty-one.” Amanda laughs, “I’ve got baby-face.”

“New plan, we leave the chipmunk behind and send her snaps of us having a good time.” Simon laughs as Amanda hits him on the shoulder.

“Hold up, Mariah Mariah, what are you giggling about over there all by yourself. Sharing is caring you know.”

“Nothing, just something Matt sent.”

“Tackling you would mean releasing Ryan, and I’ve got to say she’s quite warm so I’d rather not. Share or I send the rabid chipmunk after you.” He winks to Amanda who readies a tackle.

“Okay okay!” Mariah concedes, flipping her phone over to reveal the text. It was a picture of Mariah and Ryan all snuggled up last night. The fairy lights didn’t make for the best lighting, but it was actually a really cute picture.

“Aww you two are so cute together. Dibs on being Ryan’s best man.” Mariah and Ryan both roll their eyes at him, and maybe it’s just her imagination but it almost looks like Mariah is blushing.

“I’m pretty I was promised food. I mean, I did tell a happy story.” 

“Yeah, then you said it ends sad so it doesn’t count!”

“That story ends happily, Tyler’s story ends sad. Very different things.” Ryan chides leaning back against Simon’s chest to look up at him a little, “So are you buying me take out or do I have to tell you more sad stories?”

“Mariah you said your roommate was cool, but I think she’s more of a smart ass.” He jokes.

Amanda smirks and adds, “We’ve been bamboozled, defrauded, lied to, and betrayed.”

“In the best possible way.” He says planting a kiss on Ryan’s cheek.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The terrible results of a first horse ride, a sweet mother-daughter moment, finished off with a touch of angst. Bon Appetit.

Sunday in its entirety is dedicated to binging Netflix interrupted only by trips to the dining center. It’s the perfect way to spend a rainy day. They leave the window open to let in the wonderful smell and slight chill.

It doesn’t stop raining until Wednesday. Ryan’s got classes later in the day than Mariah and Mariah’s got her horse club or whatever just before Ryan’s due to be back. It’s odd after spending almost all week attached at the hip to not see Mariah all day. It isn’t until Ryan comes back to their dorm from having a nice long supper at the dining center that she sees her.

Mariah is spread eagle on her bed wearing sweatpants. There’s a bag of ice laying on her crotch and she’s holding a big in the air over her face.

“Ryan, thank God!” Mariah says when she hears the door shut, immediately dropping the book to point her pitiful look to Ryan. “I’m dying, you’ve got to put me out of my misery!”

“What’d you do?”

“I rode a horse. We were just supposed to sit there and get a feel for it you know, but the fucking horse had other ideas and took off running. There I was, my first time on a horse, holding on for my life, bouncing around like an idiot.” She stops to adjust herself, stuffing another pillow under her to sit up more, “And now here I am icing my downstairs like I got fucked too hard.”

The last part, well the entire part, has Ryan laughing. “How long were you up there?”

“I don’t even know, eventually the asshole turned too sharp and threw me off.” Mariah closes her eyes, “I’m never going back. Horses are devilish creatures and I regret liking them so much in elementary school.”

“Aw, you were a horse girl!”

“Oh, and you weren’t?”

“Nah,” Ryan smiles smugly as she climbs up on the bed pushing Mariah’s head up as slowly as possible to avoid jostling her and then sitting her head back down on her lap leaving only the pillow she’d just grabbed to separate them, “I liked dragons better.”

Ryan pulls her phone out from her back pocket, holding it up high above them to take a picture.

“Ryan.” Mariah’s voice has a hint of warning in it.

“Oh come on, this is gold. I’m sending it to Simon and Amanda, the only way you can stop me is by stealing my phone and that would involve moving.

“Fine, they’ll love it anyway. No sense in depriving them of my misery.” Within seconds Simon’s responded.

Simon Says-fisting not go as planned?

Angel-perv  
Angel-it was a horse

Simon Says-but that is called "beastiality," my dear children, and is in fact frowned upon in most societies

Angel-omg are you serious

“What’s he saying?” Mariah whines, only able to see the back of the phone. With every text Ryan’s phone buzzes and Mariah’s lets out a little chirp abandoned on her desk.

“He says to stop fucking horses and to learn your limits.”

“Tell him he’s a perv.”

“Already did.” Ryan smiles down at her, she’s got a wide smile spread across her face.

Simon Says-hey, just cuz i call her panda doesn’t mean she can go fucking a horse

Angel-RIDING a horse

Simon Says-hey I don’t need specifics on who was riding who

“My hero, now put me out of my misery! I’m serious, Ry. I don’t think I’ll be able to go to class tomorrow.”

“We’ve got a test in computer literacy so you’re going to have to go.”

“Ugh!” She groans.

Chipmunk-awww poor Mariah!

“Amanda’s sympathetic,” Ryan says to Mariah, flipping over the phone to show her the last message in their group chat.

Simon Says-i throw a rock at a demonic bird and get chastised, she fucks a horse and gets sympathy?  
Simon Says-#doublestandards

Chipmunk-#crybaby

Simon Says-kiss it to make it better angel

Angel-you’d like that wouldn’t you

Simon-don’t deny you want to, it’s all over your face, bet she’d let you too :) 

The text has Ryan blushing. Hard. It hadn’t come from the group chat, he’d only sent it to her. She feels her chest tightening a bit, she doesn’t like Mariah that way, they’re just roommates.

Simon-our little secret, i promise

That one has her releasing her breath. But what’s it matter, it’s not like it’s true.

Chipmunk-dirty mind? clean it with Orbitz!

Simon Says-you wish it was that easy short stack

************************************************************

Mariah skips class Thursday, sending out an apology email to her professors including the picture Ryan had taken and a quick version of what happened just to earn sympathy. So Ryan’s left going to class alone. Friday is a little better, but by then she’s on edge. It’s been a full week since her interviews. It had seemed like they went well, but who knows? Surely it couldn’t take more than a week to do a reference check, she’d already transferred over her certification from Georgia to Minnesota so that wouldn’t be an issue.

It takes a lot to get her to calm down to a reasonable level, Mariah is still at the testing center dealing with make-up work from missing class Thursday. The shower had helped a little, but not enough. She had been scatter-brained enough that she’d left her clothes back in the dorm.

She made her way back to the dorm in the same clothes she’d worn walking to the showers. Better than walking around in a towel anyway. 

Back in the safety of her dorm, she stripped down, grabbing the forgotten pile from the desk. The boyshorts were the first thing on, followed by the baggy white long-sleeved shirt. The incessant buzzing of her phone pulls her attention.

“Hey, this is Ryan.”

“Hiya sweetheart.”

“Mom, hi.” Her heart flutters, she’d called her sweetheart. It was a rare and beautiful good day and Ryan plans to soak up every bit of happiness that her mom will share. “How are you today?”

“Oh honey, I’m doing just wonderful!” The voice is soothing, lulling Ryan into the best mood. She sits on the edge of her bed. “This nice young pageant girl came by earlier and painted my nails, it’s such a pretty grey. Just like your daddy’s eyes.”

“I’m glad you got a little pampered, how’s therapy going?”

“Little rough, but at least I’m back on my feet again. You know it’s funny, I don’t even remember breaking my hip! Sure hard to forget now the way it keeps locking up on me. But Leslie is such a good pt, bless her heart she’s got the most beautiful baby bump.”

“I’m sure, did she say when you’ll be able to go without the walker?”

“I don’t know, but anyway enough about me. I want to talk about my sweet girl. How have you been? What about Jake, how’s he. Oh, you two just make the sweetest couple.” 

Of course, that’s why she’s in a good mood. She thinks Ryan’s straight and still with the boy who outed her. Great.

“We’re not together anymore, ma.” Ryan sighs, hoping it doesn’t trigger anything.

“Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that, he was such a good fella. You know, his mom won the blue ribbon every year at the county fair for her peach pie.”

“Yes mom, I helped her make it one year.”

“Oh, that’s right! You came home with flour all over.” There’s a chuckle on the other end of the line, “Darling I miss you. You should come visit, it feels like forever since I’ve seen you.”

“Yeah, I’ll come visit soon.” Ryan lies, dropping down to stare up at the twinkly lights hanging from the ceiling. It was oddly peaceful to lay like this, her legs still hanging down the side of the bed and her mom’s voice on the line going on about the old-timey musician that had played earlier at coffee.

Too peaceful, in fact, that Ryan doesn’t hear the door opening and shutting. It’s the sound of Mariah’s bag falling down her arm and banging against the door that signals her entrance to Ryan who jolts up to find Mariah facing the door with her hands over her face.

“I swear I didn’t see anything, please don’t be mad.” She apologizes rushedly. Ryan’s eyes snap down to her legs then up to her desk where her pajama pants are still neatly folded.

“I gotta go.” She says quickly into the phone, hanging up on her mother without waiting for a response.

“Shit, Mariah, I’m sorry.” Ryan gets up now, quickly pulling the pants on. “You can turn around.”

She does, but it’s slow and careful which makes Ryan wonder if what she said is true or if she had seen the scars. Ryan knows them far too well, able to tell the history of each and every one. Along the smooth, evenly spaced lines were ones that went deeper, more jagged crossing over the other lines.

When Mariah turns around she won’t look Ryan in the eyes which confirms to Ryan that she did see at least the more obvious ones. But she doesn’t acknowledge what she saw, just apologizes one more time before starting in on complaining about how ridiculous the test had been.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ryan finally finds herself opening up more with Mariah.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -Warning, there are self-harm scars mentioned in this and that will be a heavy recurring theme for the rest of this story along with some of the other shitty things that have happened to Ryan in the past.

jhenderson@saintfrancisnetwork.org  
8/30/2019 5:06 pm

To: Ryan Williams

Regarding your job application at East Side Views, we would like to offer you a part-time PM position as a NAR at our facility. Hours would be from 2:30 pm to 9 pm and would include two fifteen-minute paid breaks as well as a half-hour unpaid lunch. Our starting wage for NARs is $16/hr with a $2/hr PM shift bonus.  
If you choose to accept this position we can talk more about scheduling your hours. At this time we are mostly looking for weekend help and would expect 32 hours per pay period (every two weeks), 16 of which would need to be weekend hours.

Ryan pulls out the calculator app on her phone tapping in the numbers in the hope they won’t give her the answer she came up with. “SHIT!”

“What is it?” Mariah peeks up from her laptop on the opposite side of their desks.

“I finally got an offer.” She mutters. It was the only offer she’d received so far. It’s still fairly early in the morning, the first time since about four yesterday that she’d checked her email.

“I take it that the offer sucks.”

“Not really. Hourly pay is a heck of a lot better than it was back home, differential is damn good. Not near enough hours.”

Mariah puts down her pen, looking concerned, “How short would you be?”

“At least five hundred a month. They’ve only got thirty-two hours every two weeks. It’s just not enough.” Ryan can feel her chest heaving in and out.

“Hey, hey.” Mariah rushes over to Ryan’s side, all awkwardness from last night gone. “Deep breaths, okay. Breathe with me.” Ryan does her best to breathe in and out at the same time Mariah does, it’s hard at first but after a few she manages.

“No one else offered, this was a last-minute offer at the end of the week. This is the only offer I’m going to get. It’s the only type of job I know how to do. I’m not going to be able to pay for my mom to stay at the Villa. She’ll have to move back to some shitty state home.”

“Not a chance, Ry.” Mariah hugs tight from behind, leaning over the back of the chair. “I can help you know. You were really nervous when you didn’t get any offers by Thursday, I hope you don’t mind but I texted Matty to ask how he always had so much spending money back in high school.”

Mariah moves so that she’s leaning against the desk between where Ryan is sitting and the wall. “Apparently my dad was paying over two grand a month for ‘tutoring’ session.” Mariah does little air quotes when she says tutoring.

“He spent most of it on shitty beer and the rest of it went towards the noisy ass truck he drives around.” Mariah is smiling, but Ryan feels sick to her stomach.

“I’m not taking your money.”

“It’s not my money. It’s my dad’s.” That damn smile only gets bigger. “Ry, he has a huge house, three sports cars, and a boat he never uses. For fuck's sake, I’ve never seen him spend less than a hundred dollars on a steak. I don’t think it would hurt him one bit for him to put his money towards a good cause.”

“It feels like stealing.”

“It’s not. Whether you like it or not, my dad will now be sending me an additional-” She rocks her head back and forth as if she’s pondering a good number- “thousand dollars a month for me private tutoring.”

“Mariah-” Ryan raises her voice a bit to protest but is cut off anyway.

“Whether you like it or not, Ry.” Her face is stern, much like that of their computer professor. The red-tinted lips are pressed into a thin ‘don’t challenge me’ line.

“Fine.” Ryan conceded, “but you have to at least study with me or something. Let me at least sort of earn it.”

“Deal.” A smile takes over where the line was, it’s infectious and Ryan finds herself smiling too. After a minute of mutual smiling, Mariah pulls out her phone and whips up a text. She gets a near-immediate response signaled by a little chirp.

“Daddy wants to know why you’re so cheap, says you might not be worth it for that much.” Mariah deadpans.

“He thinks that’s cheap?”

“As I said, he’s a little out of touch with reality.” Ryan just sits there, entirely dumbfounded by the situation, feeling more like a spectator than an active participant in her own life. “Okay, so I explained that I only need a little help in the class, just to boost me up a bit. He says I should offer you more.”

“No, he didn’t.” Ryan protests, but Mariah shows her conversation. Right there in the little pink text bubble ‘Offer them two or don’t bother wasting their time.’ “So are you going to accept my proposal or sit there with your mouth hanging open.

“I guess I’ll take it then.” She says, barely aware of what’s actually going on.

“Okay, he wants to set up a direct deposit.” Mariah hands her the phone and Ryan types in her routing number and checking account number. Years of dealing with finances for herself and her mom have led to her actually memorizing it, but yet she can’t remember what her own license plate number is.

“For all he knows, I’m holding you at gunpoint in an attempt to rob you.” She says, handing the phone back.

“Are you going to argue about it or say thank you?”

“Thank you.” She says, catching Mariah’s eyes, “I’m serious. I feel like you’ve done more for me than anyone.”

“That’s what friends are for, Ry.” Mariah says fondly, “But if you really feel like you owe me something, I do have something in mind.” Her smile twists into a more mischievous one.

“I would say anything, but I think I know better.”

“Safe choice.” She laughs back, “I want you to come with tonight. To the Queers United group. Even if you never go again, I think it’d be a good experience for you. And you can’t say you don’t have time! We both know that’s a lie.”

“I’ll come with.” Ryan agrees. It’s almost exciting, she didn’t really do groups or clubs in high school. This would be an entirely new thing for her.

The room falls quiet after that, Mariah goes back over to her desk to continue with her abandoned homework. Though the atmosphere in the room is better, lighter. Every so often Ryan catches Mariah’s eyes over their open laptops. There is a mutual tapping of keys and scratching of pens as they do their work.

Something gnaws at Ryan. She can feel it in her gut, but she can’t quite figure out what it is. It takes a while, but it hits her. It’s guilt. But not for the money, for the trust. Mariah trusts her without question, offering up help at every issue that comes up. But Ryan doesn’t show it back. She’s still hiding away.

Before she can chicken out or think at all rationally, she’s tugging her arms into the sleeves of her shirt then pulling the shirt off. Mariah looks up at the sound at first, but ducks her head back down to focus on her laptop, not wanting to cause any issues like last night.

“You can look.” And she does. Mariah’s stunningly blue eyes flick off the screen and onto Ryan. At first, her face is just confused, but Ryan stands up from the desk chair and twists her arms around, holding them so her palms face out and her wrists are next to her hips. Though she’s still got on a sports bra and sweatpants, Ryan feels naked standing there.

Mariah’s eyes noticeably begin to water as they skim over the mess of thin white scars on her arms. She stands up from her desk and for the second time crosses to Ryan. Without a word, she drags a finger along the thickest scar on her left arm, the one that goes against the grain of the rest. The one that’s thicker and deeper. The soft finger traces the line, then the matching one on the right side.

Neither of them speaks, but they’re both in tears as Mariah brings the wrists up to her lips and kisses both of the large scars. She keeps her hands on Ryan’s wrists and pulls them in by her own heart. Her eyes wander over the rest of Ryan. The deep gash by her neck from the lamp, the smaller clusters of scars on her shoulders from shattering bottles, every last imperfection that Ryan has worked so hard to hide is now under her gaze.

Eventually, Mariah pulls Ryan in for a hug, one that has both of them leaking tears and snot down each other’s back, but neither seems to care. No one says a word, yet they speak so clearly. As she pulls away, Mariah plants a light kiss on Ryan’s wet cheek right by her ear.

“I don’t need to know anything if you don’t want.” She finally says, leaning her forehead against Ryan’s and closing her eyes, “but I’m proud of you. For showing me. For still being here.”

“I’ll tell you someday I think,” Ryan responds, swallowing hard. “It’s just hard for me, to let people in. To let people see how fucked up I am”

“Hey,” Mariah says, pulling her head away, “You are not fucked up. You went through some fucked up shit and came out the other end making it your bitch.”

“Can I put a shirt back on, it’s a little weird not wearing a shirt.”

“Oh, God, of course,” Mariah says, pulling away now entirely.

Instead of pulling back on the shirt she’d just taken off, Ryan goes to her closet and pulls out one of the few tank tops she has. There’s no need to hide in front of Mariah. Slowly but surely she feels her walls crumbling. Maybe this time it won’t be so bad. This is college, after all, everyone has their stories, their shit. Maybe she’s the only one who cares about the scars.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More new friends.
> 
> Ryan opens up like a flower in spring :)

The Queers United meeting hadn’t been so bad after all. Ryan had actually found it really incredible to be among so many people like herself. The last time she’d been around that many queers she’d only been twelve and that hadn’t exactly been a good experience. This was, it was otherworldly. 

She’d even found herself, thanks to Mariah, working on a float concept for the homecoming parade. Thankfully, Simon, Amanda, and a couple others were in the little group too. Homecoming was only two weeks away so they’d decided to meet sooner rather than later and taken over a couple tables of the campus coffee shop.

“Rainbow cheetah!” The excitement is practically dripping off of Mariah.

“Care to elaborate?” Pipes up one of the guys, Chester maybe?

Mariah’s nose scrunches up like she’s trying too hard to figure it out. “I don’t know, it’s just a general vibe I’m getting.”

“Okay, but are we marching or making a float?” Simon asks, “Because that kind of makes a big difference on what we’re able to do.”

“Float would be preferable.” A blue haired girl says, “Anyone have a truck and trailer?”

“Just a shitty car.” Ryan mutters.

“Don’t you dare speak of Davis that way, she is a b-e-a-u-tiful disaster.” Mariah butts in with way too much energy. 

“Could we use it?” Amanda asks, coming back to the table with a second round of coffee for her and Mariah.

“Go for it, but there isn’t enough glitter in the world to make her pretty.” Her tone is playful, but she means it. She was proud of her car, she’d practically built the thing, but it was ugly as shit.

“It can’t be that bad.” The blue haired girl says, but Mariah laughs at that.

“It really is though.” She’s got to brush the hair away that falls on her face from the sudden attack of laughter, “Full on Frankenstein’s monster of cars.”

“Okay, so we make it pretty then.” Amanda says, dead serious. “We could always coat it in fabric or posters?”

“Or just paint it.” Chester suggests with a shrug, “If it’s really that bad I could see if Ron would let us paint her for auto body. We’ve got to learn to paint this semester anyway.”

“Go for it.” Ryan says without hesitation. Hey, if someone wants to paint her car who is she to say no.

“Rainbow cheetah print car!!” Mariah jumps up, slamming her half empty cup to the table. “Please please, Ryan!”

“Honestly it couldn’t be any worse than what I’ve got now.”

“I love it!” Simon adds with a big grin.

“I’ll talk to Ron about doing it for credit with the class then.” He’s shaking his head at Mariah’s general caffeine induced bounciness. “You got a picture I can show him?”

“Uh, I don’t actually think I do.” Ryan says, pulling up her camera roll to check.

“I do!” Mariah butts in, jumping over to stand between Ryan and Chester pulling out her own phone and bringing up the picture. “I just love it, so I took a picture on my run last week.”

“Oh my-” the girl with blue hair says, “You really weren’t kidding. It reminds me of that Johnny Cash song, One Piece at a Time.”

“Not far off either, I pretty much had to entirely rebuild it. Thankfully the junkyard has a lot of concordes I could nab parts from.”

“Oh, so she’s a classic butch.” Simon nods his head approvingly.

“You’ll have to show me under the hood sometime.” Chester says not able to hide his smile.

“Hold up there Casanova,” Mariah butts in again, sticking the phone back in her pocket, “Ryan here is a pussy kind of person.”

The blush that creeps up onto his face is ridiculous, “Oh, uh, that’s cool too. I’d still like the grand tour of it when you bring it in the shop.”

“No problem, though I can’t say I really know much about it. The junkyard guy, Dave, had to walk me through most of it.”

In her hand, she feels her phone buzz and checks the text while the others start planning what kind of candy they want to throw.

Simon-she’s jelly

Angel-who?

Simon-you know who

Angel-Voldemort!

Simon-deny it all you want, she’s jealous that he was flirting with you

Ryan looks up from her phone over to Simon. He’s got a very unimpressed look on his face.

Angel-so maybe she likes him

Simon-you’re blind as a bat darling

“Ryan! Earth to Ryan!” Amanda is waving her hand in front of Ryan’s face. “Take a break from sexting and pay attention a minute.” Her face flushes red at that, and she can’t stop herself from meeting Simon’s eyes over the table. He’s got an unapologetic smirk on his face.

“So is it cool if Jade drives for the parade?” She continues, laughing a bit at Ryan’s almost dazed reaction.

“Yeah, that’s fine. There’s no air conditioning though so it might get stuffy in there.”

“You rebuilt your whole car but didn’t bother with a/c? You lived in Georgia, Ry!” Mariah almost drops her third coffee.

“It had it, but it crapped out on me this summer and I haven’t had the time or cash to fix it.” Ryan explains, “Besides, windows roll down so it’s not a big deal.”

“I’ll take a look at while it’s in the shop, might just need a quick recharge or something.” Chester offers, “I’d love an excuse to dig around in the engine of a junker rebuild.”

“Shit, I’ve gotta go. My shift at the theater starts in twenty.” Jade bolts up, slinging her purse over her shoulder. “I’ll ask my moms for their magnetic flag poles to use for the parade.”

As a parting gift, she leaves her number scrawled on a napkin, “Someone add me to a group chat so we can give each other updates.”

“Dibs!” Simon says quickly.

“How quick did you come up with their nicknames?” Amanda drops her face into her hand.

“Before we left for the coffee shop.” He admits with a shrug already putting together a group chat complete with nicknames together. He adds the number from the napkin and then hands the phone to Chester to add his number in. Just a minute later and their phones all buzz.

Simon Says-sup bitches

“I’m going to head back to my dorm, two coffees in and I’m still tired.” Amanda complains, downing the last of her drink.

“You ready to head out Ry?” Mariah asks her. 

“Yeah, I'm good to go.” She answers, pushing her chair out.

“See you girls later.” Chester smiles up at them, his face going just a bit pink, “It was really nice to meet you.”

Mariah swings her arm over Ryan’s shoulder as they head out the double door into the chill of the almost-night air. The arm is practically buzzing with energy.

“You’ll never sleep you know.”

“It was so yummy though!” Mariah whines, “You’re so wrong about coffee, Ry. It’s like the best thing in the world.”

***************************************************

“Fifty-two.” Their mutual silence is brought to an abrupt halt. Mariah’s eyes are wide as she stares at her laptop screen. “I fucking failed.”

“What’s the score from?” Ryan asks, still fidgeting with her pen from trying to figure out a problematic problem.

“Public speaking, the oral report.” Mariah mutters, slamming her laptop shut and looking away, “I know I fucked up on it, but I didn’t think I failed.”

“It’s just one grade, you’ve got the rest of the semester to pull it up.” Ryan reaches her hand over the desks and puts in over Mariah’s, “I am your tutor in case you’ve forgotten.”

“What’d you get?” Mariah asks, “You seemed so natural up there, it was crazy.”

“Ugh, give me a sec.” Ryan takes her hand back to tap away on her keyboard, “Ninety-three.”

“Damn! How can you be so good at public speaking, but also be so shy?”

“How can you be so not-shy and be a flustered mess speaking in front of the class?” Ryan counters.

“I don’t know, I just get up there and kind of freeze. It feels more judgy than when I’m just being me.”

“And for me it’s the opposite. I freeze when people expect me to be just me.”

“Stupid Matty took all the good genes.” Mariah mutters with just a start of a smile and it makes Ryan rolls her eyes.

“Don’t be so hard on yourself. Trust me, I’m a pro at hating myself and it turns out it sucks.” As if to make her point Ryan lifts her arms, wearing just a short-sleeved top for once. “If I can show you my scars, you can give a speech.” 

“Well that’s different, Ry. I could give my speech to you right now and not have a problem.” Mariah sighs, rubbing her hands over her face. “It’s just other people.”

“I get that.” Ryan responds. It takes time, it takes trust.

“How the hell am I supposed to present on Thursday knowing I’m going to fail?”

“I think I can help you.” Ryan says, her brain is spinning. It’s a terrible idea, but they both need it. “Our problem is that we’re afraid of what others will think. But that’s just it, when other people gave their speeches none of us actually gave a shit. When other people show of imperfections, nobody bats an eye. But we’re both worried anyway. So on Thursday, I’ll wear a tank top and shorts, you’ll give a kick-ass speech.”

“Ryan you don’t have to do that for me.”

“I’m not doing it for you. I’m doing it for me.” She says it because it’s the truth. She needs it as bad as Mariah. “I’ll need to borrow shorts though, is that okay?”

“Can we do a test run tomorrow?” Mariah asks, “Invite Simon and Amanda over for a hump-day mini-party?”

“Yeah, go for it.”

Panda-Party at our dorm tomorrow. Be there or be square! 5 pm

Simon Says-celebrating something?

Panda-Yeah, I failed an assignment. 

Simon Says-pity party it is ;)

Amanda-omg anything to get away from handsy hana

Simon Says-spill the tea

Amanda-came home from class today and she was full on fucking herself having phone sex

Amanda-didn’t even stop when i got there

Simon Says-kinky

“Promise me you’d have the courtesy to hang a sock on the door, Ry.” Mariah looks up at her and those damn blue eyes are so bright with the laughter she’d been holding back as the texts rolled in. 

“Maybe I’m kinky too.” Even though she’s not, at least definitely not that kinky, it still makes her blush to say it.

“Virgin.” Mariah coughs into her hand before winking at her.

“So it’s me who needs to be worried then.” Ryan counters, giving up on her homework now completely.

“Oh the stories I could tell you.” Mariah shakes her head teasingly, “A drunken fuck in the backseat of his bug, making out hot and heavy with the head cheerleader behing the bleachers during the game.”

The whole ordeal has both girls blushing messes, each trying to gain composure but neither actually succeeding. 

“I mean that’s really the extent of it to be honest, damn I used all my ammo right away.” Mariah laughs now, the kind of laugh that has Ryan laughing too despite the situation not being that funny.

It takes awhile for them to settle down, but when they do neither really want to get back to doing their work.

“So what was your first love like?” Ryan asks her.

“I don’t know, slow maybe?” Mariah laughs nervously, her face pinking up, “I think they only word that really makes sense is unsure.”

“Why’s that?”

“Hard question. Skip. Who was your first love?”

“Haven’t had a first love yet. Loved a friend more than I ever thought I could, but that was different.”

“Tyler?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay so first crush.”

“Emily, my neighbor.”

“Ah, then your mom caught you.”

“And promptly threw me into conversion therapy.”

“Shit. I didn’t know that.”

“I know, I’m trying this thing called openness.”

Mariah smiles and Ryan blushes, “It suits you.”

“I spent almost three years in it. At first it was just awful, it really made me hate myself. It’s why I started cutting. After the first year I was mostly able to tune it out. Just took it all without reaction I guess.”

“That really sucks.”

“It wasn’t so bad.” Ryan shrugs, “How’d you come out?”

“I didn’t. I never had to. Matt and I would talk about our crushes all the time and neither of us thought it was weird when I’d comment about a girl. My parents didn’t really care either, so it was just never really talked about. Just something that was.”

Sick of sitting in their chairs, they move to Mariah’s bed. Flicking off the main light to leave just the fairy lights. A better mood for conversation anyway.

“Who was your best friend?” Ryan asks, tucking her hands around the warmth her mug of hot chocolate provides.

“Matt. He’s an ass, but he’ll always be there for me.” Mariah’s face shifts a little like she’s trying to figure out how to ask something, “So how’d you two meet? You and Tyler.”

“Fergus Falls Regional Treatment Facility, we were both in therefor suicide attempts.”

“The long scars?”

“Yup.” She nods, “I slit my wrists when I was thirteen. It was after some really heavy stuff happened, after the fire. My mom and I were living in an alleyway because she’s gotten us kicked out of our latest shelter for being too drunk. It was actually some random thug who found me, he’d taken someone back there to mug them but ended up working with the chick to save me.” There’s no emotion in the way Ryan says it, if she lets that in they’ll both fall to pieces and she doesn’t want that right now.

“Fuck.”

“Yup. But I got therapy, real therapy. They had me on meds for awhile, but they just made me feel sick all the time so they got me off of them. I learned how to cope with it all.”

“And Tyler?”

“Is a story for another day. I promise.”

“Hey Ryan?”

“Yeah?”

“Would you stay over here tonight? Not to be weird or anything, I just don’t really want you alone after hearing all that.”

“Yeah, I’ll stay.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This has not been abandoned, taking the week off for GISH, next week might be slow too what with my wedding on the 10th.


End file.
